Good afternoon. My name is Margie, and I’m a young, attractive hen living on a farm in Southeastern Iowa, or as I consider it, relationship hell. Oh, it’s rugged being a single hen in Middle America. Yes, there might be a bounty of soy, corn, and worms. But the Gallus gallus? Yeesh. Round these parts, it’s more like Gallus callous.

Not like that kept me from getting into my fair share of trouble. You name it, I’ve been through it. Casual flings. True love. Nits. Pink eye. And I’ve been a truthteller and a trendsetter through it all…I had those Little Red Hens blinking into freshly farted haystacks from here to Oskaloosa!

I’ve lived it all, and through the ups and downs, I’ve taken many a forlorn poulet under my wing. I consider myself many things: a matchmaker, a philosopher, a relentless foodie. But first and foremost, I am an inspiration to all the young hens muddling through those same situations I encountered along the winding path to self-acceptance.

Well, I’ve become such a success that I’ve recently gone on a regional tour and accepted a book deal with the Amish Chickens Society of larger Kalona. It’s a LOT of responsibility in my talons, but what can I say? I love to give back to my community. You’ll be able to purchase my book soon. For now, please enjoy this complimentary excerpt.

MARGIE’S MANDATES

Scorn you once, always a dunce. (And its corollary: Scorn you twice, you’ll want to check for lice.)

Never trust a rooster that pecks and tells.

If he introduces himself as Rudy, take a good long look at his tail feathers. If they’re rusty red tipped with eggshell white, that’s my brother Rudolph. He got picked up a few years back by an ornery old farmer involved in a territory dispute with his estranged son, but it’s Rudy’s stubborn heart that keeps him away. Give him a sharp peck and tell him to get over Judith already and come home… Idiot.

It’s a strange chicken that doesn’t thirst for glory. Avoid the indolent, especially if you are personally lazy.

If he was a naughty chick, he’ll make a more interesting cockerel. Go ahead, pair up with the well-behaved young rooster…but you might as well be mating with a pheasant.

You know what they say about large talons…Well, that counts for female hens as well. Ladies… The past is the past. Don’t wait for a rooster to give you what you can give yourself. Take your pleasure seriously—so quit your squawking and put what the good Lord gave you to use.

And never underestimate the importance of talon curvature!

Searching for love is a lot like hunting a worm, sometimes you just have to stop and ask yourself: is this shit worth it?

No halfpenny ol’ scrounging beer can chicken is worth a single bent feather off your puffed breast. Whatever you do, don’t forget who you are. Love is not for the chicken-hearted: it’s for the chicken of heart. And don’t you ever forget it!

Margie Kiev’s upcoming self-help manual, The Real Coq au Vin, will be available in the original chicken scratch starting August 5, 2019.

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