page for Moonlight Bed and Breakfast, Chatham, MA

five stars

(April 23) “We had a lovely stay at this cute little B&B. It’s owned by a husband and wife who are just the sweetest. Janice runs the front desk and will give you tips on everything to see in the area. Mark is the chef and makes the best omelettes! Definitely try their attached restaurant, too, especially for the Mark Loves Janice Lobster Roll and the J&M Forever Sundae.”

five stars(April 27 ) “Really comfy bed, easy walk to the beach, informative tourist pamphlets at the front desk. The owners were very friendly but Janice seemed pretty sick of Mark’s extensive commentary on coastal erosion and asked if we’d order more omelettes to keep him in the kitchen. Weird, but the omelettes were great so I’m giving this place 5 stars!”

four stars(May 2)  “Cute B&B within walking distance of the beach and downtown. Janice and Mark were great hosts. Mark knew everything about the history of Cape Cod and we basically got a free history lecture over breakfast! I’m docking one star because the rooms were not well soundproofed and I could hear lots of shouting at 3 AM. Janice also wasn’t there when we checked out so we just left the key on the desk. Hope that was fine.”

(May 5) “The rooms were nice but the owner, Mark, was manning the front desk and doing all the cooking so checking in took forever. When we said we were on our honeymoon he burst into tears. Super awkward. Also, the soap in the bathroom smelled like cherries, which I found unappealing.”

(May 7) “Guy at the front desk was drinking a beer when we checked in, which struck me as unprofessional, but I guess it was a Saturday on the Cape. The restaurant was closed with a sign saying ‘Shut Due To Janice,' but there were other good places within walking distance. Good value for the area.”

(May 13) “Really clean and good location. The attached restaurant was reasonably priced but I didn’t care for the Janice You Broke My Heart Daily Specials or the Love Is A Lie Dessert Cart. Maybe not everyone should own a label maker.”

two stars(May 20) “My boyfriend made the reservation and the owner almost wouldn’t let us check in because my name is Janice. It was very tense but it’s high season so we had nowhere else to go. The view from the room is really pretty, though.”

five stars(May 22) “Loved this place. At first, I was skeptical because the owner Mark kept talking about his ex-wife, but then he poured free shots all night at the restaurant bar to celebrate “the bitter taste of life alone.” It was all top-shelf stuff. I booked this place because it was the last available for my buddy’s birthday and it was so much better than I ever expected.”

one star(June 3) “I devoted twenty years of my life to staying in this B&B. I built it lovingly with my heart and soul, and then my wife Janice ground that heart into grains of sand finer than those that cover the beautiful, lonely Cape Cod coastline. Janice decided she was sick of the ocean and sick of me and moved to Arizona. And now she wants to sell our home, the B&B where we raised four adorable dachshunds (I miss you Paprika, Pumpernickel, Popcorn, and Maurice!), the B&B where I invented the Janice Is Never Crabby Crab Omelette, the B&B where we met so many new friends who trusted us to show them true hospitality on their precious vacations. Now I see that it was all a pack of lies. Seashells Inn might not be a heartless corporation, but I’ve hated Jim Seashells since 1998 and Janice knows why. I’ll never sell! Jim Seashells will never get his clumsy mitts on my baby!”

Response from Hotel Management:

“Mark, all I asked was for you to remove me as an admin on the page. It takes four clicks.

Please direct any notes related to the Seashell Inn acquisition to my lawyer. And it’s been twenty years—Jim Seashells didn’t break your Patriots beer helmet. I did. It was funny the first time you wore it to a party but by the twentieth, it was just sad. You need to let it go.

Also, you have my new address so just send me my label maker already.”