Course Description
In this class, I will explain to you in precise detail why I donโt give a shit and everything is pointless.
In Unit 1, weโll cover why I am up outta proverbial โfucks.โ In Unit 2, we will delve into how Iโm sick of your stupid shit too, and pretty please fuck off (and thank you). In Unit 3, you will do your own presentations outlining how your fuck tank hit โEโ like quite a while ago, and I can go ahead and jerk it over a pile of fucks. And finally, in Unit 4, we will do some group activities telling each other to just up and go skydive into a mound of shit without a parachute, like in Pilotwings (which youโve never heard of because youโre 19).
The readings for this course:
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Assignments
There will be weekly writing assignments. Whatever you write, I am sure it will be stupid, and I am certain not to read it. Worth 70 points total because that sounds about right, but honestly who cares?
Exams
There will be three exams totaling 8,000 points each—seriously, itโs just numbers. The exams will consist of a combination of multiple choice and short answer questions, mostly pertaining to diatribes you will hear from me during class. I have this bit about Crunch Berries that kills, and youโre going to repeat it back to me verbatim. And donโt get me started on pediatric dentistry. If youโve ever paid $150 for a suspiciously attractive dental hygienist to brush your four-year-oldโs baby teeth for 75 seconds, you know what Iโm talking about.
Final Paper
You will each write a 10-15 page paper analyzing just how utterly pointless any of this is. Ever wondered why youโre doing any of this, like any of it? Maybe you think this is making you a better person, or helping you to get a better jobโฆ can I jump in? Everything you ever do will be forgotten, very quickly. You could conquer the known world, and in the end youโll still end up dead (probably violently), an obscure figure to the few remaining humans surviving on the planet—and theyโll die too, poof. Nothing. This paper will be worth 8,001 points.
Attendance/Participation
I will take attendance and assign 3.14 points based on just how annoying you are. The more annoying you are, the better the student you are (most likely), or maybe youโre just one of those people that canโt shut the fuck up. If the latter is the case, I would direct you back to the point that neither I, nor anybody else, cares at all about any of this. At best, this is a paycheck for me, and for you, this is the start of a long process of realizing that pretty much everybody and everything is an onion made of pure, uncut bullshit. As you peel back the layers, you discover more bullshit, until finally, mercifully, you die.
Cell Phone Policy
I only allow iPhone 10s or above in my class. I will tolerate Androids, but if you start talking about the camera quality and how itโs superior to that of the iPhone, I will kindly ask you to leave.
Statement on Required Face Covering
In accord with the universityโs Face Covering policy (www.yourbreathgonnastankinyournose.edu), I only want to see a look of deep, unimaginable anger or paralyzed fear in your eyes—the rest of your face will be masked. If you try to do that squinty-eyed smile thing with me, so help me God, I will hold you by the lapel off the roof of the building like youโre Andy Dufresne trying to help me with my taxes.
In the absence of an approved accommodation, a studentโs refusal to wear a mask or face covering will be considered a classroom disruption, and they will be told to kindly take their American flag t-shirt with an eagle on it, make like a tree, and get the fuck outta here (Back to the Future Part 2, 1989).
List of University Policies on Discrimination, Emergency Response, and Academic Integrity
Not gonna touch it.
Grading Policy
Points Breakdown:
Assignments: 70 pts
Paper: 8,001 pts
Exam 1: 8,000 pts
Exam 2: 8,000 pts
Exam 3: 8,000 pts
Participation/Attendance: 3.14 pts
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Total: 32,074.14 pts
I will use the following scale to assign grades:
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Course Schedule
Week 1: Syllabus, first chance to drop.
Week 2: Chapter 1: A brief history of me losing my shit.
๐pp. 3-15
Week 3: Chapter 2: The point of no return with regard to fucks, and also youโre paying something even if you drop.
๐ pp. 17-50
Week 4: Chapter 3: You can still drop, but now all your money is going to my (really shitty) salary. Just kidding, itโs going to the Business School.
๐pp. 54-72
Week 5: ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐UNIT 1 EXAM๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Week 6: Chapter 4: Oh youโre sad about your score on the first exam? Eat a fuck.
๐pp. 75-93
Week 7: Chapter 5: The fuck do you mean โare there extra credit opportunities?โ I all but told you WTF was on the exam, no cap.
๐pp. 96-105
Week 8: Chapter 6: OK fine hereโs an extra credit assignment.
๐pp. 109-125
Week 9: ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐UNIT 2 EXAM๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Week 10: Chapter 7: Oh, now you done showed up to a fuck party but forgot to wear a costume.
๐pp. 127-145
Week 11: Chapter 8: So Iโm the asshole now? Youโre starting to get the hang of this.
๐pp. 150-175
Week 12: Presentation Week
Week 13: TBD Catch up
Week 14: ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐UNIT 3 EXAM๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Week 15: Pilotwings. Weโre playing Pilotwings this week. There is some really weird imagery I still have hanging in my brain from this game, and we are going to work it out together. Imagine somebody basically skydiving to their death toward a bullseye, and then just silence. That is Pilotwings, and perhaps life itself.
Alsoโฆ
๐๐๐๐๐๐๐FINAL PAPER DUE๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
Minor changes may occur with this schedule. Did I mention that none of this matters? None of it. Just emptiness, all of it, the whole thing.