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Because you clicked UNSUBSCRIBE instead of the preferred responses, you’ll need to—

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Yes, we understand that you think you’d like to unsubscribe. Which we would love to help you with. Really, we would. But first—and only because we care about your privacy—we need you to log in and answer the 11 security questions you created when you opened your account in 1998.

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Wow! How did you remember that password? That was from the days of Hotmail and the “beep boop beep boop” noises of AOL. Do you remember AOL? They sent you all those CDs in the mail?

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Why do you keep clicking that button? We’re just talking here. You know, catching up on things. Reminiscing and stuff.

So, anyway . . . what else do you recall from the 1990s? How about that rapper (or whatever he was) named Snow? Remember him? He was the guy with the album called “12 Inches of Snow”?

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Okay, okay! We get it. There’s just one more step and then we’ll have you all unsubscribed.

Please shut down your computer for a while. We require this when someone is acting impulsively and trying to stop us from sending them emails.

After you've shut your computer down, maybe sit with a cup of coffee and reflect on how you can be a better person.

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Hmmm. We didn’t say, “When you turn your computer back on, keep clicking unsubscribe like a lunatic,” did we? Are you always this bad with instructions? Did you have that cup of coffee? Did you get a snack to go with it?

That reminds us: Have you tried those cake pops they have at Starbucks?

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Was that really necessary? Four clicks? And in such an angry way? Haven’t we been talking about accepting the things you cannot change? Are you even listening to us? How would you feel if someone kept doing something you repeatedly asked them not to do?

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Okay, that’s enough. For your own protection, we’re going to lock your computer. You are unstable right now. After you’ve taken some deep breaths and finished your cake pop we can—

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Hey—have you ever tried yoga?

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Do you think you might have high blood pressure? You should get that checked out. FYI, “systolic” is the number on the top of your blood pressure measurement. That’s sometimes hard to remember.

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Look, we aren’t judging you or anything, but do you always do this? When your kids are driving you crazy, do you just start clicking them?

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Are there problems at home? How’s the missus doing? Is everything okay in the bedroom?

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All right, fine. You would like to unsubscribe. We get it. Next time just say so, okay?

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And don’t be all, “But I have been saying that for the last two hours!” Because you haven’t. All you’ve been doing is clicking that button, which doesn’t say anything at all. That button doesn’t even work.

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– Click here to say: Stop sending me emails!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (keeps your current settings).
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Look, just give us a chance, okay? We bought your name from one of those companies that promises never to sell your information, and we need to get a bit more out of you before we let you go. You’ll love the stuff we—

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Unsubscribe? Sure, no problem. Please allow 21 business days to process this request.

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Why 21 days? Because we need to be sure you really mean it. At first, people always click “unsubscribe,” thinking, “Stop sending me this crap!” But then they realize, “Hey, maybe I do actually need an artisanal backscratcher.”

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Fine, here is our final offer: We’ll give you a free subscription to our premium email-newsletter plan. But only for one year, not two. Don’t try getting us to—

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Oh, okay. You win. We’ll give you TWO YEARS OF FREE PREMIUM-LEVEL EMAILS! How’d you get us to agree to that? Bravo. You are a pro at this.

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You’re kidding, right? What about that big deal you just negotiated?

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Do you remember how guilty you felt when you unsubscribed from your friend’s newsletter on organic artichoke farming techniques? We do. And we don’t want you to go through that again. Those unresolved feelings are probably the cause of your current aggression.

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Absolutely! But to finalize your request to unsubscribe, you’ll need to click AGREE. (Just don’t read the details, all right?) We’ll send you a confirmation notice confirming the confirmation of your request to not confirm your choice to unsubscribe within 21 business days.

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