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What Ben saw in Liz in line at Sweetgreen is what I see in America every single day.
Picture a spider eating a child, but now it’s wearing a tasteful little beret. People will ask, “Wow is that spider French?”
We applaud you for giving us something to do with our hands other than ball them up or masturbate.
I'm advancing science entire centuries without bumping into any serious questions of morality and ethics. How unbelievable is that?
Oh, how literary I look! Scribbling furiously in my leather-bound Moleskine notebook with a free hotel pen!
Every time I tried to treat one, it would start freaking out and flapping its wings trying to fly away.
Every year we live in fear of predatory rent hikes by turkey vulture-owned management companies.
I know, it’s fucked up. And I do not envy whoever has to go toe-to-toe with that buffalo of a man.
Actually, I think I’m responding quite normally to the motivational seminar I watch constantly.
All politicians want to have sex with Paul Rudd.
The irony is that your mushroom superfood promises me more energy, which I wish I had now, so I could resist ordering it.
We mourn the loss of Avocado, survived by literally everything else in the kitchen.