I’m Victor Frankenstein, a scientist here in the eighteenth century. But I’m not just any scientist. I’m a prodigy who developed a secret technique for bringing non-living things to life. And I came up with the idea to use that technique to reanimate a bunch of mashed-together body parts from various dead people… instead of just, like, a normal, fully intact dead person. I know, it’s hard to believe I came up with that by myself, as a 20-year-old unsupervised college student.
I’m not saying it was easy to create a humanoid from graveyard scraps. But I’m also not saying anyone else could do it, you know? No offense, it’s just that I’m a once-in-a-generation scientific mind who has figured out exactly how to create life. That’s why I’m super confident that I was supposed to make this humanoid enormous. I can’t think of a single thing that people decided to build small first to see how it went. Call it a genius’s intuition or maybe it was the thoroughness of my training, which included attending a few eighteenth-century lectures and watching bodies decompose in cemetery vaults, but I just thought “let’s make this thing huge.”
So it was obvious that if I wanted to throw together an eight-foot-tall human body, I'd need some body parts and at least, I don’t know, 50 bones or however many bones humans have. You’re probably thinking, “But where do you get body parts for a human frame that is larger than any human that has ever existed?” But I just didn’t think about that. Classic Victor Frankenstein, you rebellious savant.
Now, have there been times throughout this human reanimation project where I’ve wondered if this is necessary at all? Absolutely not. Have I ever questioned if I have enough knowledge and skill to pull this off? Never. Have I ever thought, “Victor, you’re a virgin who stays in a boarding house attic by yourself, surrounded by decaying human body parts you’ve collected without anyone’s consent, and you have no friends?” …
I mean, who has time for those thoughts anyway? It’s taken me two years, working by candlelight, in between learning, like, all of science and spending full days and nights examining dead bodies, to construct an entire giant human by myself. If that doesn’t scream non-virgin with tons of friends, then I don’t know what does.
It’s safe to say I’m absolutely nailing this project. Actually, it’s going so well that sometimes I’ll take a break from furiously gluing and hammering together decomposing body parts to sleep—just so I can regain consciousness and recall that I’m advancing science entire centuries without bumping into any serious questions of morality and ethics. How unbelievable is that, you guys?
Honestly, throughout this entire endeavor I haven’t been able to think of a single way that this project is reckless, weird, or destined to turn out badly for not only myself but also my entire family. I mean what could possibly happen? Is this creature going to celebrate me too much? Hug me too hard? Worship me more than a child could its father? I can’t wait.
Now this is the fun part, where I bring this handsome collection of random dead people parts to life. I’m basically positive that you just kind of stand close to it and… boom! That is one super-alive humanoid right there.
Victor, you benevolent giver of life and creator of hope for the human race. You unquestionably knowledgeable and empathetic bestower of existence. What will you think of next?
Maybe a lady one of these…
Yep, it’s gonna be good to be Victor Frankenstein for a looong time.