Spiders may be good for the ecosystem but they are a nuisance to society, are actively evil, and I don’t like them. So after a heated discussion with a third grader that I’m still hoarse from, I realized the obvious solution—Spiders should wear cute little hats.
Our current spider-human relations are a failure. Picture this: you wake up on a beautiful fall morning and step outside to take in a breath of crisp air with a cup of coffee. But instead of a relaxing morning, you find me, butt naked, hanging out on your patio furniture. I’m just making myself at home, legs spread wide, hunched over a bowl of fruit loops. You would be horrified, especially considering that large rash I have (don’t worry I’m getting it looked at soon). If that happened you’d call the police. Yet when I call the police on the spiders I’m “wasting city resources.”
Why do spiders get a pass?
In case you hadn’t noticed, spiders kill indiscriminately and I believe find pleasure in it. I’m watching everybody pat these completely hatless spiders on the back for killing mosquitos and flies, but spiders are clearly just getting started. There is only so much time before they grow tired of small flying pests and escalate to something bigger. Where will your praise be when they begin going after the children? I have no proof that children are their next target, but I think anybody paying attention will come to the same conclusion. This is where the hats come in.
Cute little hats would literally solve everything. Picture me naked on your patio again, but this time picture me in a cowboy hat and maybe my lime green Crocs because I have tender feet. Totally changes everything, right? It’s darling and no police are necessary.
And picture a spider eating a child, but now it’s wearing a tasteful little beret. People will be asking, “Wow is that spider French?” “How did he get here?” “I wonder what wine a spider suggests pairing with human child?” There is no downside here.
Honestly, if spiders didn’t want me to kill them they’d probably already be wearing hats.
But what if spiders don’t want to wear hats? What if this is as difficult as trying to get pandas to mate? What if the spiders say they aren’t in the mood and have a headache? Trust me, when these spiders see these hats they’re going to want to put them on.
The only way we’re going to make this happen is if we all agree to become single-issue voters on this. I get it, the political climate is pretty tense right now. There are going to be a lot of people who think we should be focusing on the economy or human rights, but they are emotional terrorists. Just keep reminding yourself this: Do I really want to continue living in a world where I can’t see a spider in a little boat captain’s hat?
So let’s seize our chance to make history! If you truly care about the environment, you’ll understand the gravity of what I’m proposing. Don’t let your fears about what spiders with hats will be capable of, or who they will be able to impersonate, or if you’ll now find spiders oddly attractive. We’ll deal with that when we get there. For now, let’s just focus on the environment and how much I really want to see spiders with cute little hats.