We applaud you for taking this criticism about your non-white characters to heart, even though we shouldn’t have to be proud of someone for doing the right thing.

We applaud you for not screaming with a heretofore unknown feral rage in this board meeting, despite having your idea stolen by a tall man who just said it louder.

We applaud you for correctly using they/them pronouns, even though it’s corporately mandated and everyone you work with has been happy to comply.

We applaud you for staying sober at this open bar wedding, even though the bride and groom have put on checkered Vans sneakers and are “skanking” to Reel Big Fish right now.

We applaud you for acting surprised by your son’s magic trick, even though he clearly had the quarter in his hand, and didn’t pull it from behind your ear.

We applaud you for not correcting us when we say “eegs” or “wooder” in our New Jersey accents, even though we sound ridiculous.

We applaud you for brining that turkey so well, even though your day job is being an EMT and not a chef.

We applaud you for being an EMT and not a chef, though we’d applaud you if you were.

We applaud you for saying “applaud” and not “clap,” even though “applaud” is a less common word.

We applaud you for taking the trash out without having to be asked even once to do it.

We applaud you for remembering to flush.

We applaud you for pooping nuggets or logs, and not cubes like a wombat.

We applaud you for being more budget-friendly, and turning the lights off before you leave the room.

We applaud you for wearing your retainers at night, even though they make your teeth feel weird in the morning.

We applaud you for not jumping to your death in this active volcano on your tropical family vacation, even though there’s no wi-fi.

We applaud you for not being an artificial intelligence that is capable of both posting thirst traps and speaking knowledgeably about cryptocurrency, thereby ensuring you are heavily favored in the next presidential election.

We applaud you for applauding at the end of the show, and not doing that annoying thing where a person will “whoo” during it because they saw an uncle do it once and never questioned if it was a good idea.

We applaud you for letting us applaud you and only offering a little “oh stop” wave of the hand.

We applaud you for giving us something to do with our hands other than ball them up or masturbate.

We applaud you for being on this planet in 2022 and not 1945, when people had yet to learn how to applaud to their full potential.

We applaud you!