Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Family, friends, catering staff, valet parkers, bathroom attendants—it’s so great to be here with you to celebrate the marriage of Ben and Liz. This is truly a wonderful moment in all of our lives. I am so happy to be able to be here today with you guys.
I have known Ben since we were roommates our freshman year in college, so I could spend all day reminiscing. Two words: Foam. Party. You know what I’m talking about. But when I look at Ben and Liz together right now, I don’t think about the past. I only think about the future. I think about their future family—a few kids, a dog, perhaps a goldfish or two—and it brings a smile to my face. And then I think about the challenges their family will face, from affording a home to finding a good school for their children. It pains me to think that the American Dream is moving further out of reach every day.
And that’s why, right now, I’m announcing my candidacy for President of the United States in 2024.
Look, guys, I know—it’s your special day. But Ben—my man—while you were up at the altar answering the question, “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?” I was thinking of a different question: “Do you think we need to break out of the broken two-party system and finally have some real choice here in America?”
The answer to both is: “I do.”
I remember the first time Ben met Liz. They were in line together at the Sweetgreen on a crisp fall afternoon. Ben and Liz both ordered a Farmhouse Caesar—yet another reason they are a perfect match—when Ben realized that the parmesan crisps were running out. Seeing Liz behind him in line, Ben announced that he was lactose intolerant and couldn’t have any cheese-based products—leaving enough parmesan crisps for Liz. That willingness to sacrifice cheesy, crunchy goodness on behalf of a total stranger you think is pretty—isn’t that exactly what is missing from our politics? What Ben saw in Liz in line at Sweetgreen is what I see in America every single day.
In marriage, we see that we are stronger when we are not alone. As a nation, we, too, are better when we come together as one. As I wrote in my first self-published book, The Power of Our Power: A Manifesto for Empowering the Powerless and Reclaiming Power, which is available for just 99 cents on Kindle, true power comes from togetherness. That is why we must come together, not fall apart; we must all be married, not divorced. I'm not just launching a campaign; I'm starting a political movement that will bring us together in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, 'til death do us part.
Also, I know Liz is going to kill me if I forget to say this, so please don’t forget to tag all photos with the wedding hashtag #LIZGETSBENT2022. Make sure to spell it correctly, or we won’t be able to get your photos for the online album.
I know, this is still a toast, and I should give some advice for our beloved couple. If you guys remember from my wedding last year, my Uncle Charlie gave me three pieces of advice. First, never let an argument go unresolved overnight. Second, remember to always find reasons to be grateful for each other, even in your darkest moments. And third: never run for President of the United States of America. I think we can all agree that those first two pieces of advice are the building blocks of a happy marriage.
Careful where you’re throwing that wine glass, Liz! I think what Liz is trying to express is that she, too, is fed up with the platitudes and double talk that we hear from politicians in DC. My policy platform, which will be unveiled at the post-wedding brunch tomorrow, will offer a detailed ten-point plan for how we can unite together to reclaim power and build a better tomorrow.
I know that I am the only thing standing between you and the cocktail hour, so let me close with a short poem by the Sufi mystic Rumi, who always has just the right words to describe the most important moments in our lives, whether they are weddings, or births, or campaign announcements:
May these vows and this marriage be blessed.
May this marriage be as sweet as milk and honey,
May this marriage be as intoxicating as old wine,
May this marriage be fruitful like the date palm,
May this marriage be full of laughter, and everyday a paradise.
Listen lovers, now you go on, as I become silent and kiss this blessed night.
Listen everyone else, please register to vote at vote.gov! Depending on your state, you may need to show identification; take a look at my campaign site (coming soon) for more details.
Congratulations to the happy couple—I love you guys! See you at the cocktail bar! And may God bless this happy couple and the United States of America!