Bag of Potatoes, 2/15/2020-Fall 2022 (exact date unknown)
It is with great sadness we announce the passing of the Potato Family. Gone but not forgotten (except for the last few years when they were inadvertently left to perish somewhere in the depths of a refrigerator crevice). The Potatoes’ were best known for their kind eyes with one too many sprouts emerging from them eventually. While they were surely spry in their prime, these spuds were ravaged by the passage of time and rendered completely unrecognizable by the time of their discovery in the fall of 2022. If there is a Yukon Gold lining to the whole situation, the Potato Family never had to endure 2020’s infamous outbreak of Listeria.
We mourn the loss of Avocado, survived by literally everything else in the kitchen. There were solid plans to eat Avocado, but a phone call had to be taken. After this brief phone call, Avocado was discovered, already passed. With still so much potassium and magnesium to offer, Avocado was taken from this world much too soon.
Prune’s life was cut short after a tragic, somewhat suspicious accident. After her owner had committed to a healthier, high-fiber diet, Prune fell, while en route from counter to mouth, to her untimely death on the kitchen floor. A mysteriously short two-second rule was observed, some say to avoid eating the fruit, before Prune was sent to the trash can, likely left to rot next to other deceased fruit friends and family, as well as the most pungent dog food.
Romaine Lettuce, 10/1/2022-10/5/2022
R. L. had big dreams of becoming a big salad, but alas, this dream would never become a reality due to its buyer’s sheer laziness. R. L. lived life to the fullest, befriending neighboring Kale (also since expired) and Spinach (RIP). The trio formed a band and hoped to perform at the Hollywood Bowl. Sadly, they never made the trek. In the words of R.L.: “Don’t let a plastic bag hold you back; wake up each morning with the intention of getting dressed and staying crisp.”
Known affectionately as “Arty,” this plant had a heart of gold(ish-yellowish-greenish). Arty got along with everyone—from the wildly popular Garlic to the notoriously difficult Turnip. At the end of the day, Artichoke just wanted to bring joy to the masses with his good taste and antioxidants. Arty was a beloved brother, friend, spouse, and father who was quite simply too “time-consuming” for his purchaser to cook, although she had every intention to look up a recipe.
“Yea, I wrote my own obit. DEAL WITH IT. Who else could I trust to write it? Brussel Sprouts? That Belgian stinkfart? How do you say ‘no thanks’ in Dutch? (Hint: I don’t care). If you’re reading this, it means the lazy S.O.B. who bought me from the grocery store (where I was THRIVING by the way) let me waste away on their counter. That’s right—they didn’t even bother to put me in the crisper. Did you know, if stored properly there, I can survive for weeks to MONTHS?! Probably not—on account of your malnourished brain that has seldom ever had the nutrients a Turnip can provide. Look, as a Turnip, I’ve been called a lot of things, including ‘America’s Most Hated Vegetable.’ Hey, America: fuck off. When’s the last time you relieved intestinal problems, reduced cancer risk, protected livers and kidneys, gave people healthier skin, and improved cardiovascular health? I have too many incredible minerals for this shit; I’ll vitamin C myself out.”
Brussel Sprouts, 10/4/2022-10/8/2022
Brussel “No B.S.” Sprouts passed peacefully with the knowledge he outlived Turnip. In lieu of flowers, please share Brussel’s memoir, Living With Turnip, America’s Most Hated Vegetable: The Brussel Sprout Story, with your loved ones.