Humor writing published daily. Featured: Best of Year | Editors’ Picks | People’s Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
Third Post-it, covering Doris completely: “This company will not succeed if I’m not allowed to operate at peak performance.”
I wanted to feel ready when our son arrived, but nothing prepares you for the real thing, or the sinkholes.
I meet all the requirements for the job, most of which are not listed in the job posting.
They gasp at how you ran for an hour and twenty six minutes at 6:14 P.M. on Tuesday. “She didn’t take any breaks?” they exclaim.
I will always remember my purpose as a pretend physician: to treat the sick. I must also remind the patient of this by whispering into their mouth, “You’re sick.”
You'll notice there's just one light bulb in this 3-pack of light bulbs. That's the point. Ask yourself: Do you see two missing, or one remaining?
No, son. That is magic as speaking it will hurl back any unclean shades which try to approach you.
How will you endure the ancient ritual of the Office Birthday—standing motionless while colleagues sing at you and maintain eye contact?
NASA is almost certain that none of you are werewolves. However, to ensure the safety of our new lunar missions, we must consider every eventuality.
If you do go out, you’ll immediately start thinking about when you can leave. If you don’t go out, you’ll immediately start wishing you had.
Who’s a good boy? Who’s a precious lil pup? Yes you are! Yes you are! Hmm, oh, yes, Mark, hello. Sorry, I was just saying hi to your dog Pepper.
Call me desensitized, but the only thing that really keeps me tapped in for My Favorite Celebrity is to see them risk it all—day after day, for months on end.