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Nadine rips open the presents, revealing these primitive analog relics. But by noon, she’ll have forgotten about all of you.
This snowman wedding racket is a disgrace to the good name of clergymen everywhere.
You submitted some of your favorite pieces that we published this year, including plastic bags, grapes, and an active volcano.
You: Is there a financial component? Boss: Who needs money when you have the love of a decorated lump of minerals?
When was the last time my name came up and someone said, “Oh, you mean the guy who ruled over the greatest period of expansion in the Aztec empire?”
I’m on thin ice with my manager, Trayson, and I can't afford another marinara mishap. Please, my job is on the line here.
I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work.
Get this: he whispers to me. Secrets mostly, and sometimes the weather. Yeah, most people are really jazzed when I tell them.
1. How long have you been putting this off? a. One year. b. Three years. c. Five years. d. My child is, if we must get technical, a member of Generation X.
Our Best of 2024 articles feature a Furby boyfriend, a leering train conductor, a pugnacious philosopher, a hip and out-of-shape dad, and more!
If you still need more time, we get it. Everyone reads at their own pace, but you must be at least halfway through, right?
I felt a little weird so I went to the bathroom. And—I’m sorry if this is TMI—but I just started fucking bawling man.