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Netflix: I’ve changed my order. I want what Hulu’s having, and I want it delivered first.
Q: Who’s more likely to be used in the event that a fire is desperately needed? Harry Potter: Definitely Jest. Infinite Jest: Me.
Princesses are always getting smooched and we can get kisses, too! And hey, if we're going through a dry spell, a frog's not the worst option.
Your client wants to suck the bone marrow out of your firstborn. What do you do? A. Respectfully ask that he reconsiders.
You can take the man out of the big city and send him to Hell for a life of transgressions, but you can’t take the big city out of the man.
But if Mr Zuckerberg thinks that now I will finally bring him that Tickle Me Elmo, he is wrong. He was a bad boy then and he's an even badder boy now.
If a stranger with a black eye winks at you on the street, that’s a surefire giveaway that your cats are pedalling human violence for profit.
Once, he drove the Millennium Falcon to McDonald’s, Google Maps said “Bon appetit!” and Han thought it was making fun of him so now he only uses Waze.
I know that sometimes it seems like the world is unfair. But that’s why we invented language. These rules give structure to a chaotic world.
Ok, ciao, diary. I bet Prince-Whatever-The-Fuck-His-Name, with his funny little Prince accent doesn't even know about “ciao.” That’s Hollywood, baby.
10:00 A.M: A phone call! Could it be an inteview? No, just those Mormon missionaries you gave your number to during that “Who am I” phase in college.
Do not assemble in a wet location. Do not assemble at altitudes lower than two thousand (2000) miles below sea level. Do not assemble in a sea.