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I wasn’t just enjoying, but empathizing with contestants on The Bachelor. I shut it off and recollected my ironic self over a lukewarm Zima.
get red-hot, / a white meat babyface / I would always tease him / by calling him “Broccoli” / even if it made things worse.
I know you’re here because you read that Vice article that said our hedge fund is like the Wolf of Wall Street but with actual wolves. That’s true.
[God's pen is paused above the passage where Noah gets all fat and is lying drunk in a tent after surviving the flood.] ANGEL: Water balloon fight?
Drop your phone in the toilet: This makes you look cool, because every Millennial’s done it at least once in their aimless, self-serving lives.
"The Lonely Hand’s Solo; In Motion, 2017," for Ryan, whom I thought was waving but was not and does not recognize me and now I’ve made eye contact.
Are you the kind of person who carries a casket with a skip in their step? Have you shown enthusiasm for embalming roadkill since a young age?
The whole world would say, “they’ve got a sweet-ass rainbow shirt,” and they would erase all the biases they had previously held about LGBT people.
Einstein was a Ponytail Palm that my sister got me. Like the Einstein from Science, this Ponytail Palm had an eccentric intelligence, but no grace.
Washington: By successfully recruiting James, the Washington Generals could finally have a shot at taking down those damn Harlem Globetrotters.
I want to do well, but every time I sit down to work, Steve makes me go on the internet and google “soccer stats” and “boobs” until the day is done.
Impulsive purchases of garden gnomes. Contact your doctor immediately if you accumulate more than fifty, especially if where you live is very small.