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Your most memorable characteristics of me were “those eyes” and “that body.” Newsflash, Rick: most women on this planet have eyes and a body.
8:00 p.m. --- Lunchtime! Wait, since when was it 8 p.m.? Have you not eaten anything today? Don’t panic. There’s a sleeve of Oreos on the table.
My parents got me this as a housewarming gift but I still live with them. Does this mean they want me to move out?
2. You thought your invitation to Megan’s bridal shower was coming, only to see two other women just Insta'd photos from the shower. What do you do?
Will my introvert get along with other introverts? Absolutely! Tenderly move them to a safe space for them to bond over their feelings or whatever.
Due to a new Harvard policy, your youngest son is unable to coast in on the coattails of a new building contribution. He ends up attending Reed.
So why don’t you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and let me rock your world? Blast me straight onto this salad bar’s garbanzo beans.
Froot Loops’ Toucan Sam is about as dreamy as tropical birds get. Father McGillicuddy had a much harder time wrapping his brain around this one.
OMG Literally Dead Plant: The most common millennial houseplant, it comes in all varieties that ultimately end the same way---dead AF.
Relatedly, I’m currently embroiled in a legal battle to divorce myself from my siblings to guarantee that I cannot be made an uncle against my will.
I offended my hosts yesterday when I criticized their dining options. I guess they don't recognize a paleo guru when they see one.
I wasn’t just enjoying, but empathizing with contestants on The Bachelor. I shut it off and recollected my ironic self over a lukewarm Zima.