When pampered and protected from extreme environments, Basic Ferns will reward you with lush green fronds all year round! Even though ferns obvi prefer moist soil with regular waterings, Basics require seasonal adjustments—pumpkin soy lattes in the winter/fall and rosé all day in the spring/summer. To keep the plant warm in colder months, wrap a perf pair of fleece leggings around the base of the pot. If the fern begins to droop or turn brown, play some Taylor Swift, tie its leaflets into a messy bun and bend it into yoga poses. For the most natural light, order an Uber, place the fern in the backseat and send it to brunch on a patio. Grows best in a millennial pink pot. #BestFrondsForever
Oprah told you to live your best life every damn day, which is why you should feel #blessed this popular, easy-going plant is SO extra. Its elongated, spiky leaves produce a soothing fresh gel that’s ready to be savagely squeezed from its body whenever you seize the day too hard. Prepared for all the consequences of your YOLO lifestyle, this plant: soothes your burns, moisturizes your hair, heals your wicked cold sores, cures your gnarly fungus, boosts your shitty immune system—it even treats your perpetual constipation!! It lives its tiny little shrubby life to serve you and your poor choices, so care for it as such—like medium-coverage healthcare you can buy at Home Depot for $9.98.
Just like you, this chill, low-maintenance plant thrives on soothing voices and deep-rooted stories, as well as sharing its own experiences. For steady growth, it’s important to play weekly episodes from its favorite podcasts: This Succulent Life, My Favorite Foliage Murder, Plant Save America, Wait Wait…Don’t Water Me and NPR’s Fresh Air. You must also help set-up and host your plant’s weekly 45-minute silent podcast, Everything Succs, which showcases dry humor from dry-climate plants. (Please do not ask to be a guest.) Your succulent doesn’t need much water, it just requires minor attention and a sincere round of applause every now and then.
Ever the peaceful activist and ally, the Woke Lily checks its privilege at the windowsill. Even during silent, powerful protests, this perennial makes quite a statement in any room! Its hyper-awareness of the plant community stems from a life of constant observation, thirst for knowledge and comprehension of the ongoing struggles of marginalized botanical groups, including biennials (greenery that prefers both annuals and perennials) and tropicals (exotic plants that emigrated—hoping for a better life—but regret it). For sustenance and growth, firmly shout “Green Lives Matter” into its soil, and for both light and access to Twitter, place the plant near your desk; the Woke Lily will always lean toward the glow of your computer screen.
Yassss. This palm wants to fuck! And also requires a significant amount of water. If you leave your Thirsty Palm unattended, you might find its large, fan-like leaves extending into your more attractive houseplants, or sliding into their DMs (dirt/mulch). For light, it likes watching you swipe through GARDN, an app with available, local, and well-groomed indoor and outdoor plants. And because it’s been caught self-pollinating in public on many occasions, experts recommend keeping your lush and lustful tropical tree satisfied by giving its trunk a nice palmjob.
These party plants are all the rage! Despite their dainty demeanor, this bougie bulb has a classic case of FOMO, always craving new and curious intoxicating soil alternatives to cope with house arrest. Potting an orchid in regular dirt will cause it to straight-up pass away, so acceptable substitutes include: bark, moss, cigarettes butts, dime bags, and crushed pills, mixed with literally any cocktail. Be cautious not to get too close to the potent soil, or you’re sure to text an ex or eat everything in your freezer (while it’s still frozen). It’s critical the orchid dries out before getting baked again (#plantrehab #juicecleanse), but will ultimately survive and thrive as long as it’s getting regularly turnt (toward the light).
It’s absolutely possible to grow avocados indoors, but just go ahead and take this out of your cart at your local garden store/Amazon. The idea of possessing the source of everyone’s favorite toast topping sounds like #goals in theory, but there is no way in hell you’ll produce a quality avocado before the apocalypse. Especially in your small, dimly lit rental apartment. Just have Postmates deliver some avocados to your door and let them rot on the counter like a normal human being!
Once judged and ridiculed for its phallic frame and sinister aesthetic, this wild prickly plant had to evolve when people began bringing it into foreign territory (living rooms), causing it to develop a thicker skin and a savage, sorry-not-sorry attitude. While not always a total prick, if you even think of moving this plant or looking at it the wrong way or criticizing its character, it won’t say a word; the room will grow darker and it will coolly find a way to jab its shady little needles into your precious, delicate skin. (Just get you some YOLO Vera, girl.) This isn’t garden-variety pettiness, just sheer instinct. It’s suuuuper cute to look at from afar though. It doesn’t need any sunlight because it prefers shade.
OMG Literally Dead Plant
The most common millennial houseplant, this type of foliage comes in a variety of shapes, sizes and lifespans, which ultimately end the same way—dead AF. Literally so dead. You’ll just die, too, over how quickly it happened, despite following any sort of care instructions. Two green thumbs up for effort, though. Thank god millennials love killing things.