A Cormac McCarthy Character Goes Christmas Shopping at Costco
I hope I don't have to use the revolver, but this is Costco—godless territory where wild men purchase two-gallon tins of popcorn on any given day.
Comedy Writing
If Not Now, When? The Case for Allowing Hurricanes Back to Our Coastlines
Don't hurricanes matter too, despite destroying entire communities? To me, justice is not shaming the Hurricane forever and ever until the end of time.
The Delicious Ecstasy of Celery Victor is the Only Good Thought Left in the World
Who knew chef Victor God-damn Hirtzle's creamy creation would be the answer to this crippling punching bag of a life we're all living.
Hey Baby, It’s Me, The Sneeze
So why don’t you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and let me rock your world? Blast me straight onto this salad bar’s garbanzo beans.
Tragedies are Everywhere, and They’re Coming for Your Loved Ones
We see them on television, and we hear about them from our friends who got updated about them on Facebook--which, at this point, may as well just be called MyTragedyUpdate.com.
I Am Perineum
I am Perineum, collector of moisture and bringer of grief—assailant to love and cunning puppeteer of adolescent boys.
Now Let Me Be Clear, I Don’t Let Just Anyone Suck Me Off
I have standards, and I hold myself in high regard when it comes to the ethics of who's going to spit shine my three wood.