Vinny “Machine Gun” DiLorenzo

Remember when I whacked half the Belluci family back in '88? Boy those were the days. I used a machine gun to do it. See, Machine Gun? Kind of has a nice ring to it. Definitely could see that as a nickname for a bonafide wise guy.

But despite everything I do for this family, the only thing anyone can remember is a rumor that I mistook a tiny bit of chicken poop for Runts candy during last Christmas’ “Capinelli Family Nativity Scene.” And even if that did happen, which it DIDN’T, I repeat DID NOT is that the worst thing a guy can do? Is putting a tiny bit of chicken kaka in your mouth (and I’m talkin’ tiny) worse than being an FBI rat? (You might want to give Joey “the Crab” Portellino a pat down, by the way.)

Vinny “Mayonnaise” DiLorenzo

I understand that nicknames should have an air of levity—sometimes a humorous juxtaposition is the whole point! Who could forget Sammy “Slimbones” Verducci (fat guy) or Phil “Sweet Baby Rays” Razzio (hates barbecue sauce). Mayonnaise? Fuggedaboutit! I can’t stand the stuff.

So go ahead Don, call me Vinny “Mayonnaise,” I don’t mind. I’d rather put mayonnaise in my mouth than chicken poop, which I’ve NEVER put in my mouth… despite what Al “The Incredible Hulk” Barducci says. (It seems like he was able to pick his own nickname, no?)

Vinny “After the Goldrush” DiLorenzo

The late 1960’s were a turning point for Neil Young. Although he was a member of Buffalo Springfield and Crosby Stills and Nash, he had yet to release a major record that fused his folk roots to a cohesive electric sound. “After the Goldrush” (1970) was his coronation as a folk-rock god. Much like my nickname “Chickenshit” has nothing to do with my roots as a mobster who has killed people, maybe “After the Goldrush” could mark my departure from someone with the word “shit” in their nickname to someone with a nice nickname. Also, Neil loves the environment. Marone! He probably would thank a guy for putting a little poop in his mouth. Not that it matters. At all.

Vinny “Doesn’t Have Nickname” DiLorenzo

You could just not give me a nickname. This is a valid option. At this point not having a nickname is better than being called “Chickenshit.”

Vinny “Al ‘The Incredible Hulk’ Barducci has to do push-ups with his knees on the ground” DiLorenzo.

I’ll admit this is a weird one, not exactly sure how I came up with it. Maybe a dream? But it does remind me—Al Barducci has to do push-ups with his knees on the ground like my five-year-old niece. Kinda crazy a guy like Al doesn’t have enough upper body strength to lift himself off the ground? Definitely worse than someone putting a little dookie in his mouth while celebrating the birth of our lord and savior.

Also, isn’t making everyone call you “The Incredible Hulk” when you can’t do regular pushups seem a little, and pardon my language her Don, boombots? Again, just an observation.

Vinny “Shirt” DiLorenzo

I understand this nickname lacks creativity, humor, or any kind of “oomph,” but now I’m just begging you to change my nickname. I don’t care. If this gets people to stop calling me “Chickenshit,” I’ll take it. You can even call me Vinny “Toyota” DiLorenzo or Vinny “Carpet” DiLorenzo, anything.

Does it make you goombahs happy to call me “Chickenshit?” Is there any empathy left in this crime family? Sometimes it feels like you care more about “crime” and less about “family.”

Hey Don—here’s an idea! Maybe next year you should try playing “Farmer #4” during the nativity scene? Instead of Baby Jesus, which you’ve insisted on playing ever since Billy “Baby” Bortellini had his growth spurt. I was hunched over for so long everything started to look like candy. You might not be aware of this, but chicken shit comes in all different shapes and colors. Sometimes it looks like the little bananas from Runts candy—not that I would know something like that.

I’m sorry for my tone Don Capinelli, I’m just very passionate about this. Please. Think it over.

Your loyal servant,
Vinny “Garbage Man” DiLorenzo

Vinny “Garbage Man” DiLorenzo

I just wrote this last one down as a placeholder but I actually really like it. It’s definitely better than “Shirt” DiLorenzo which was just the first thing I saw while writing this letter. I take out the trash, get it? I’m reliable, you don’t always see me but you know I’m there, that kind of thing. Like “Batman,” but more working class. Garbage men make a good amount of dough, not to mention the benefits. Their paisanos probably don’t call them things like “Chickenshit” either.

But again, these are all just suggestions.