Yes, the only people who will see it are my DNA matches. Yes, that means my wet, open mouth will only be enticing blood relatives. Yes, you can make an argument that we're entering George Michael-and-Maeby territory here.

But if you can't handle me at my sultriest, you don't deserve me at my most normal. Marilyn Monroe said that, and she's one of my mental health role models!

So, are you finished giving me the third degree? Can we head to the salon already? I've got a vision. It involves the perfect tousled shag, some honey-blonde highlights, and a second Ancestry.com profile pic in which I will be peeping sleepily at the viewer through a curtain of Bardot-esque bangs, inspiring them to wonder, “Am I related to this hottie boombalottie through my mother or my father?”

No, my slang is not outdated, Mother! You're outdated! And you're just on Ancestry to find out more about your great-grandmother's family, which is basic AF. At least I have a serious goal!

What goal? Well let's just say that the likelihood that DNA segments are identical by state vs. identical by descent goes waaaay down once you pass the 8 centimorgan threshold—

No, I am not studying genetic science in order to determine whether I can safely hook up with any of my 5th or 6th cousins! Geez. Can't a girl do a little extracurricular chromosome mapping without her own mommy accusing her of being some sort of perv? I don't even like science. It's hard!

I am NOT being disingenuous. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, just because I'm an IT manager, that doesn't mean that I've got some sort of natural scientific and technological aptitude that I'm currently bending to strange and possibly illegal purposes. Who am I, Frankenstein?

Mom, the monster was called “Frankenstein's monster.” The scientist was called Frankenstein.

Uh-huh. Well I don't care if you don't find that reassuring knowledge for me to have! You're not the boss of me any more! Because I am an adult now, with a condo and a 401k and Gedmatch subscription that allows me access to Tier 1 tools such as phasing and triangulation which I am using for normal reasons!

Queen Victoria married her first cousin, did you know that? Yeah. Her MIL was her aunt! That's wrong. Although it must be said that in such instances, the risk of birth defects is only as high as 7%, unless of course the offspring of first cousins goes on to marry someone else who is related to them. That's what happened to the Hapsburgs. Google their faces; it's not cute.

But if I'm not allowed to compare myself to defunct German royalty, who am I allowed to compare myself to? Wait, what about Rudy Giuliani? He married his second cousin—

Mom, I'm sensing a lot of judgement here. Please don't judge. Taylor Swift says that haters are one of the biggest challenges facing our generation?—

Of course we're part of the same generation! I'm a millennial, too. An old millennial! We're real and we're out here, feeling angry that we don't understand festival season and still regretting that we didn't go on the Weezer cruise. Don't participate in old millennial erasure!

Look, at the end of the day, do I understand that Ancestry.com is not a dating site? Yes. But?—

What do you mean I'm not allowed to qualify that statement? Who died and made you the king of the genetic anthropologists?

Calm down, calm down. I know they usually study ancient humans. I guess what I mean is if two people are really and truly in love, who cares if they share .05% of their DNA? Or the same great-great-great-great-grandparents? Love conquers all, right Mom?

Mom?

Mom??

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