WARNING: The following material is immature and poorly constructed. It contains major ideological gaps as well as a considerable lack of thematic unity. It includes needless and excessive references to excrement and genitalia; it reflects a horrible attitude on the part of the writer towards women and towards life in general; it reveals that the writer is embarrassingly unsuccessful at getting laid; and it serves as concrete evidence that the writer needs medication and extensive therapy. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

You may or may not realize this after reading some of my previous comedy articles, but I'm actually a very nice guy. As a nice guy, I've faced a fair amount of rejection and abuse by women over the years. The fate of a nice guy is certainly not a good one. If you try to pursue the woman of your dreams, she simply leads you on, manipulates you, makes a complete fool out of you, and then rips your heart out of your chest like a Terminator and crushes it in her hands before throwing it on the floor and stomping on it repeatedly in order to make sure it's good and flat. She does all of this with a smile on her face, and then she runs off with another man while you lay there broken, bleeding, and humiliated.

“I know you're a great guy and everything, but as a woman, I am pre-programmed and fully trained to reject good men and spread my legs for some worthless jerk.” However, despite all of the pain and heartache women inflict on the good men who try to gain their love and affection, I have noticed that the tables begin to turn when a nice guy reaches the age of about 32. As a nice guy, I can honestly say that one extremely beneficial thing happens at this age: your heart dies.

Life actually becomes more enjoyable at this point. Now that your emotions and your ability to love another person are completely gone, and now that you simply can't feel anything anymore, you are allowed to fully appreciate the benefits of not giving a shit. You can finally sit back and enjoy the game of life without being seriously involved. And as an added bonus, you also get to observe the emotional devastation other people go through as the dark clouds of sorrow and infidelity slowly consume their lives, breaking their hearts and shattering all remnants of the false hope that has kept them going for so many years. It's not only deeply amusing, it's also necessary.

Like I said, I'm a nice guy. And being the nice guy that I am, I'm always willing to help others, especially all the other nice guys out there who are still engaged in the hopeless struggle for female love and affection. With this in mind, I have designed the following six guidelines in order to assist nice guys in their quest for happiness and love. If you're a nice guy, feel free to use any, all, or none of these guidelines at the same time.

1. Do NOT work up the courage to tell a woman how you feel. Bravery leads to early casualties.

Searching for true love is very similar to early 20th century trench warfare. Conditions are horrifying and miserable, nothing gets accomplished, and lots of people die. When it comes to the brutal (and indeed very futile) war of attrition involved in the quest for female love, brave men are the first casualties. Bravery gets you absolutely nowhere. If bravery motivates you to go “over the top” by telling a woman how you honestly feel, then you will simply become entangled in the barbed wire of hopelessness and then ripped to pieces by the machine guns of rejection.

If you work up the courage to tell a woman you have serious feelings for her, you're going to get one of the following responses:

  • “I just want to be friends.”
  • “I cherish your friendship, and I don't want to ruin a good thing.”
  • “You deserve to meet somebody special someday.”
  • “I need some time to think.”
  • “You're a really nice guy and everything but [fill in the blank].”

If a woman says any of these things, what she really means to say is this:

“I know you're a great guy and everything, but as a woman, I am pre-programmed and fully trained to reject good men and spread my legs for some worthless jerk. I am flattered that you wasted lots of time and energy pursuing me. I enjoyed playing your heart like a cheap violin, but I'm currently with somebody I consider to be far superior to you, and I love it when he bends me over and thrusts his huge, fleshy man-rod into my quivering vagina.

“You're a nice guy, and I'm sure you will live a doomed life full of sadness and crushing despair before you wither away and die hopelessly in a small blue room with no windows. And just in case you still have feelings for me, I should inform you that I am in love with one thing and one thing only: my vagina, which is far more important than you and your feelings.

“I am pleased that you offered me your heart. I will be sure to place it on the mantel above my fireplace so that I can admire it while my half-retarded boyfriend fucks me on the living room floor. In fact, being able to view your broken heart on my fireplace mantel will add to the pleasure I experience as I bounce up and down on my his throbbing pecker.

“I wish you well on your path to oblivion. Rest assured that at least two or three stupid, ugly, rotten, pathetic, worthless little creatures will eventually come rolling out of my vagina and that they will proceed to live completely meaningless lives under the belief that they are entitled to everything. This will, of course, fulfill my life-long mission to pollute the human race and make Earth an even more difficult place to live than it has already developed into throughout human history.”

GAME OVER. Congratulations on dying early.

2. If you don't want to subject yourself to a woman's game, and you don't mind going down in flames for your own sick amusement, then simply describe the last time you took a shit… then ask her out. I call this the “kamikaze approach.”

Kamikaze Japanese plane flying
Go out with a splash!
“So there I was…sitting on the toilet pushing and squeezing as hard as I possibly could, and nothing would come out. So I started pushing even harder, and sure enough, liquid shit began spraying out of my asshole at a 32.5 degree angle. In fact, it sprayed out so hard that it ricocheted off the porcelain and splattered all over my testicles. Some of it even began running down my legs. God, I hate it when that happens.

“Anyway, I knew there was more, so I pushed even harder. I pushed…and I pushed…and I pushed…and before I knew what happened, I blacked out. About an hour later, I woke up face down on the bathroom floor twitching and crying. Apparently, I had blown my asshole out. And to make matters even worse, the wall behind the toilet was completely covered with runny shit, and the toilet was overflowing. At this point, I began to reflect on my situation. ‘Is this really where I expected life to take me?' I asked myself as streams of clumpy brown water kept running past my face, out the door, and down the stairs into the living room.

“I then decided that I needed to make some serious changes in my life, and one of those changes is to find a girlfriend and begin a serious relationship. So, what are you doing next weekend?”

Another good strategy for avoiding rejection, heartbreak, and subsequent humiliation is to take the subtle approach of pretending to be her best friend…. as we all know, best friends always enjoy showing each other their turds.

“Hey Tricia, you've GOT to see this! This is the biggest one I've ever made! Wow, it's actually reddish-green colored. Hell, it kind of reminds me of Christmas. Hey, there's some of the corn I ate last night. Yep, there's the pen cap I accidentally swallowed. Holy shit, there's the fortune cookie I had for breakfast this morning! I can still read it. ‘Congratulations, you're fucked…and this cookie is stale.' Hahaha. Hey Tricia, hurry up and grab a camera, it's about to snap in half!”

3. Make lame excuses for why you're busy all the time.

Women come up with the lamest excuses for why they can't go out with you. If you've been trying for a while and getting nowhere, simply put the whole works in reverse and start making lame excuses for why you're busy all the time. Even if she has no intention of going out with you, she'll notice when you're not trying anymore. If she asks what you've been up to lately, just say one of the following:

  • “I'd love to talk, but I have to get home quickly. My favorite tree branch fell down during a storm last night, and I'm going to see if I can glue it back on.”
  • “I'd like to chat, but I'm having company for dinner tonight, and I haven't even started my ham, gherkin, and rhubarb casserole yet.”
  • “I won't be going out tonight because I just recently noticed that one of my testicles is twice the size of the other one, and I need to go see a doctor immediately.”
  • “Sorry, I can't talk now. I'm doing intensive research on lubricating catheters and the potential impact they could have on 21st century hospital care.”
  • “Sorry I haven't been around lately, but I've finally decided that you're too much for me to handle. I have to get going now. They're showing a special on TV tonight about delusional, pot-smoking, nymphomaniac goat-worshippers who kidnap middle-aged construction workers and force them to play ‘Castle Risk' before bending them over and sodomizing them with crooked broom handles. Immediately after that, my favorite TV show is on, ‘Men Who Accidentally Sit on Bicycles with Missing Seats… And the Women Who Still Love Them.'”

4. Become indifferent and ignore her.

Man ignores a woman
Don't worry, she's loving every ounce of your unaffection.
If you master the art form of indifference, then you ultimately win the entire game. Women will become extremely frustrated and insecure because you're not paying attention to them, and they won't get a chance to sink their claws into you. You will emerge completely scar-free, and you'll probably even get laid on top of that.

One particular method is to reverse the game on them. Have you ever noticed how an attractive woman will often bring an ugly friend with her when she goes out? She's doing this in order to highlight her own beauty and set you up for failure. I can't tell you how many times I've seen stupid young men go after some attractive woman with her friends in a bar, only to get ditched in the parking lot.

She expects you to drool all over yourself as you vigorously pursue her only so that she can shut you down in the end. What she doesn't expect you to do, however, is hit on her ugly friend. This will really fuck her up. Insecurity will quickly replace pride as the game blows up in her face. “Why isn't he paying attention to me?” she'll ask herself. “He's supposed to worship me, spend all of his money buying me drinks, chase after me all night long like a desperate fool, and then offer me his heart so that I can play around with it for a while before I slice it up into tiny little pieces and serve it to my boyfriend for dessert. Why isn't he doing that? Is something wrong with my hair?”

5. Reject her before she rejects you.

“Sorry honey, but I've decided to stop pursuing you. Don't get me wrong, I think you're stunningly beautiful and everything, but I need to go my own way. I simply can't allow myself to become involved with shenanigans and tomfooleries such as asking pretty girls out on dates. I wish you well on your predatory search for a male who will sacrifice all of his freedom and individuality in order to keep you happy while he desperately tries to fulfill your ever-growing list of needs and desires. I certainly hope you have a great time draining his soul like an expired carton of orange juice as you manipulate his emotions, boss him around, nag at him constantly, and eventually cheat on him because he fails to be perfect 100% of the time. Don't worry about me. I'm simply going to save up my money and bang a prostitute who looks just like you. Farewell.”

6. Warn her boyfriend what he's in for.

This guy played the game better than you did, and he won. She picked him over you. You're probably sitting at home crying with your dick in your hand while he's busy fucking the woman of your dreams in the back seat of his mother's 1971 Ford Pinto. He feels like a real champion. Of course, he'd probably feel more like a champion if his mother would slow down on some of the left turns, but other than that, he's pretty content with his newly found prize.

But he didn't really win. You did…because for the rest of his life, he will never be in control of anything ever again. Everything he's proud of… all of his sports trophies, his posters, and anything else that makes him feel like a man… will soon be locked in a storage room somewhere while his newly found prize decorates the interior of his house to resemble what could easily be mistaken as a nursing home as she prepares to spew a couple of little gargoyles out of her crotch.

He'll have to get a “real” job in order to support her and the two little gargoyles they've created together. A “real” job with constant pressure, micromanagement, increasing deadlines, and the threat of always being replaced by some younger, smarter, recent college grad who's willing to work harder. He will get told what to do all day long at work, and it won't end when he goes home either. On top of that, he'll get nagged at for everything he does wrong.

Wrinkles will eventually begin to appear on his face, and his hair will start to turn white at an early age. His children will grow up feeling like they're entitled to everything, and they'll blame him when they don't get what they want. His wife will blame him, too. In fact, when she finally takes a good look at him and sees just how broken down and stressed out he's become by the time he reaches the age of 40, she'll become bored, unhappy, and disappointed. Eventually, her own insecurities and regrets in life will drive her to start cheating on him… probably with the young man about to replace him at work. She may also start an affair with the UPS man. After all, they're known for delivering rather large packages.

By the time he's 45, he'll be divorced, his children will hate him, and he'll be on the verge of a massive heart attack. Meanwhile, you'll be living the comfortable life of a bachelor. With all the money you've saved over the years, you'll be able to hold down a cool bachelor pad and take vacations to places of your choice without screaming children in the back seat. Outside of work, you'll live a relatively stress-free life. You'll be able to have wild parties whenever you want, and you can bang hookers until your dick falls off.

And as for the slick son-of-a-bitch who stole the woman of your dreams all those years ago…well, he'll probably be begging you to invite him to one of your weekend parties after his wife throws him out of the house.

When everything is said and done, nice guys really don't finish last. They win.