Alright, Todd, here I am, ready to help you paint this nursery. Have you figured out if you and Gail are going to have a boy or a girl?

You don’t want to know? What a gamble!

Have you ever painted a room before?

It’s ok, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about it. To be honest, I don’t really have that much experience either.

My dad isn’t around anymore, but I do recall the one or two times I helped him paint my room as a kid. He showed me the six simplest steps it takes to paint a room and I’ve been looking for a time to try it out myself.

I was also wondering if I could use your name when I write about this in my blog.

No? Well, what if I sweetened the pot and told you that nobody reads it anyway?

Still no? You’re a tough nut to crack, Todd. We’ll do it your way.

Okay, let’s go with step number one. According to my dad, we should…

Step 1: “Hand me that beer.”

Todd, you got any beer?

I don’t care how early in the morning it is, my dad always had me handing him a beer before he started any project around the house, especially when he painted.

Well, how many do you have in the fridge? Can Gail go out and get some more? I figure with a room this size, we’re going to need at least… 4 beers apiece.

And before you ask, no, I don’t have any money. Tell Gail to get some more beer and we can start after we take the ones from the fridge.

Of course I have a bottle opener! Look who you’re talking to, guy!

Step 2: “Stir the paint with a paint stick. No, not with your hand, don’t be retarded.”

Tater Todd, it’s crucial that we stir the paint with these wooden sticks you got at the store. If you use the length of your arm to do it, the paint sticks like you wouldn’t believe and it molds itself to every individual hair and you basically have to scrub it all off with a brillo pad while my dad stands next to you and calls you a retard.

And I don’t want to call you a retard, Tates.

So, if we can both safely use the sticks to stir the paint, then we’re not retarded, okay?

I’m saving you a lot of mental and physical anguish here.

Step 3: “What color is this? Yellow? You want your room yellow? What are you, some kind of a homo?”

Since you don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl, what color did you decide to go with? Or are you just going to roll the dice and paint it blue?

Oh! Orange! That’s a good choice. It’s more masculine than say, yellow, I guess.

Yellow has a bad stigma with it for some reason. Personally, I always thought it was a happy color, yellow. But I guess some people don’t feel that way. But orange! Orange is good. It’s bold; confident. You made a good choice with the orange.

I don’t know much about colors, I just know that some people really don’t like to paint rooms yellow.

Step 4: “Don’t be an idiot.”

Todd, let’s skip Step 4 and see if this paint tastes as good as it smells. C’mon, aren’t you curious what orange tastes like? I am! I know for a fact that yellow doesn’t taste like sunshine, but maybe orange tastes like oranges; don’t know until you try, all I’m saying.

Step 5: “No, brush it up and down in even strokes, not side to side. No, I said not side to side! Whatsa matter with you? Are you deaf or just stupid? (sigh) Just give me the brush.”

Todd, I’ve found that painting a wall in horizontal strokes creates a very hostile environment and I don’t want your child raised in such an atmosphere. Allow me to impart some wisdom on you: vertical paint strokes are where it’s at! Painting vertically will basically be your last chance at redemption before reaching the final step, Step 6.

Step 6: “Why don’t you go downstairs and help your mother in the kitchen?”

Hey, where is Gail? Is she downstairs? I can help her with whatever she’s doing. In fact, why don’t I go see if she’s doing okay?

So what if we haven’t gotten anything done? You stay up here and get to work. I don’t know exactly how it works, but all I have to do for Step 6 is leave a six-pack of beer outside the door every few hours and by the end of the day the room is done. That’s basically how you paint a room, as far as I know.

I’ll leave a sixer by the door and the room should be finished by 2:00pm or so. Good luck!