My Dad’s Six Simple Steps to Painting a Room on Sunday
Listen Todd, the best way for me to help you paint your kid's nursery today is to use my dad's advice to me as a kid.
Comedy Writing
Another Slow Day at the Suicide Prevention Center
Here's what I know: we are good at preventing suicides. We just need people to call. So please, if you know of anyone who looks pathetic, give them our number!
Welcome to the Fleshlight Family!
Thanks to customers like you, we are proving that there is no point in using your hand when you can put your dick directly into a silicone tube.
How to Seduce Flo from Progressive Insurance, In Your Imagination
As a male, I am biologically obligated to mentally have sex with Flo from Progressive. How would it go? What would it be like in those starchy white pants?
The Unappreciated, Aspiring Author Files an Auto Insurance Claim
The afternoon sunlight burst through my windshield with a Machiavellian magnificence, creating streaks of radiance dancing through my careening automobile.
The Biggest Mistake in Mail Order Catalog History
For the fall catalog, if you can't write me an evocative, "I-need-this-item-or-I-will-surely-die" product description, you're finished. You will never work retail again.
As a Clairvoyant, I am Able to— Hey, Where’re You Going?
What, you don't believe in clairvoyants? Well, neither did I. But with this degree of authenticity from DelphiUniversity.com, I assure you my intuition is real.
You are Cordially Invited to the Anderson Monthly Neighborhood Orgy!
If you are receiving this letter, then you know what that means: the monthly neighborhood orgy is right around the corner and we would like to see you there!
I Believe This Book You Lent Me Has Spent Considerable Time in Your Bathroom
I didn't want to believe it. "I've known him for years," I thought. "Why would he do this to me?" And then I opened up to page 45 and saw the pubic hair.