Hey, guys, thanks for having this quick meeting in the conference room. I just have a few things to say and then we can get back out there. Alright, first thing, Gary, you're hoarding all the donuts. They're good donuts, I know, that's why I brought them for everybody… so we can all enjoy them, not just you. Secondly, we might all lose our jobs in a week.

Okay, there was a better way to phrase that, I know. It's just… it's really quiet out there, ok? Like, super-duper quiet. Like, where my thoughts actually seem to create noise; that is how quiet it is out there. Which is good. It's a good thing. I'm not saying that people living with purpose is a bad thing, but… damn, I mean, doesn't anyone want to commit suicide anymore?

I remember the good old days when some poor person would get called fat and ugly, then they'd contemplate swallowing a bunch of pills and give us a call. Whatever happened to that?

Now all I hear is Gary's heavy breathing from across the room. I don't see how we can get public funding if we all sit around and listen to Gary getting fatter. When PBS does their fundraiser, do they show some middle-aged, overweight tub of shit eating a box of donuts? No! They play their strongest, most well-liked programs, like, Downton Abbey or that one where the guy lives in the woods for 50 years. What's it called? Alone in the Forest?


Look, here's what I know: we are good at preventing suicides. We just need people to call. So please, if you know of anyone who looks pathetic or is living some sort of delusion that their life actually has purpose or-or-or-or-or- meaning… please, tell them the truth, then give them our number: 1-800-273-8255.

You Matter Suicide Prevention Lifeline (phone number)

Giving them our number is important to this whole process. Or at least tell them to message us—chatting isn't dead yet, right? I can't stress those two things enough. You want to give a person a gun, not the bullets. No, wait. We're not the gun in this metaphor. We're the safety. Then who's the bullets? Society?

Oh, fuck it.

Hey, Gary, listen. I'm sorry for bashing you; you're just… as unattractive as you are large. Gary, how is your home life going? Everything going well? How is Stacey? Good? Did… did you know I saw her coming out of the White Castle burger joint last week? Yeah, she was with some guy, I don't know, it's really none of my business….

Hey, didn't you once tell me that she was your whole world? Your reason for living? Just curious.

Alright, let's get back out there. Gary, if you want to knock off early you go right ahead. You have your cell phone on you? Got our number at the ready? Ok, great.

Alright, good meeting, guys. Let's get back out there and save some lives!

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