Tip o’ the hat from the other end of the rainbow, laddies. It’s Innis McFreigh, leprechaun stockbroker here. Ain’t ye’ investors lovely today, with your legs long as towers and your massive heads?

I get so many calls from clients asking, “Innis, what do you like investment-wise going into the 2nd quarter and can ya’ grant me a wish?”

With the latest trend toward trade protectionism, I like gold.

Gold’s immediate value, long-term liquidity, and uncanny glint will damn the hellish Dullahan to the pits from whence they came.

A contraction in trade brought on by tariffs will lag commerce between nations. Historically (more for you than for me as I’m hundreds of years old), gold values increase during dips in international trade, and no… I cannot grant ye a wish. In a move that was cleared with the Securities and Exchange Commission and completely Pyramid Protection Act-compliant, my first three clients got all me wishes.

You know what I told them to wish for? Gold. Gold. Gold.

Downgrades in precious metal markets will affect platinum, palladium, and potentially even silver and cubic zirconium, not gold though. Gold is trading at 1.72 per square ounce of bullion, and if ye have a high tolerance for risk and crucifixes you can smelt a gold one, rest it on the devil’s forehead, and he’ll turn into a six pence for a fortnight.

For shoe-cobbling stocks, I like Nike. They are releasing their limited edition Air Force One kicks in May. They’re gold!

Commodities cover everything from cattle to diamonds, and colored diamonds have been performing well. Blue diamonds, pink diamonds, and yellow diamonds can’t lose money these days, but they were once coal. When the Tuatha De Danann Tribe of the Gods face off against the Fomorians during the end of days, diamonds will again turn to coal and soon after, dust.

Not gold though, not with its triple-A credit rating from Moody’s on Wall Street.

Last quarter saw food-truck franchises steal market share from fast food stocks as on-the-go diners seek fresher fare, a trend that will likely extend to wineries and artisan beer as upstarts win consumers away from entrenched competitors. But if you’re looking to diversify your portfolio, and escape a pack of headless Dullahan black-fairies—their nightmarish stallions beaming hellfire from their eye sockets as they pine for your mortal soul—a Korean-taco truck yielding a 12% return is not going to help most investors.

Gold’s immediate value, long-term liquidity, and uncanny glint will damn the hellish Dullahan to the pits from whence they came, as you stand ground on your rainbow bridge yelling, “May ye buy high and sell low in hell, ye miserable bastards!”

The Dow and the NASDAQ are the great mover of ships when it comes to the investing world; any adviser is remiss to discount stocks, bonds and annuities’ great gains since the ought-teens. Annuities in particular will continue to appeal to retiring workers who turn away from market volatility toward annuities’ complex blend of guarantees and actuarial models pushing more risk onto Wall Street and away from investors.

But if a talking fox paints an annuity gold, you can’t bite down on it to find it’s just a wooden nickel. That second layer of gold’s reassurance appeals to the staid investor who doesn’t want to risk losing his life savings to semantic anthromorphs.

Oil drilling, natural gas wells, wind, and solar power will all enjoy returns as America pursues an “all of the above” strategy for its energy needs. Meanwhile, the continuing trend of campers being dragged off by tiny ropes, stripped of all but sifters, and forced to mine rivers for gold dust or be turned into farm animals, will put a crimp on the travel industry.

Tariffs will hurt some metals but precious metals, specifically gold, could see increases as high as 3% this quarter if trends continue. It’s shiny… so… so shiny.

U.S. taxes on steel are upsetting Ireland’s leaders and all the snake-infested countries, too. The World Trade Organization is thus forecasting far fewer foreign trades in 2018. These trade protections make the financial landscape ripe for real-life gold farming in your own xenophobic, nationalist society, which after all is why we leprechauns were invented in the first place.

Ain’t I just an adorable, non-threatening Irish immigrant, ye great big lug of an investor ye? Ain’t I?

For all your predictions on bulls, bears, and bog zombies, turn to the stock blog of Innis McFreigh, leprechaun stockbroker!

At the time of writing this article, author Rich Hopcroft is not a fully accredited stockbroker, nor are leprechauns likely to be real. Consider consulting with a professional before making trades or consorting with a talking fox.