Listen, I’ve talked to the aliens and they say we’re fucked. Most of us will go out in the beginning. Some, whoever they are, will definitely not be fucked until the end, but we’ll all be fucked eventually.

According to these extraterrestrials, city populations will go first—Hollywood consistently gets this right. Handfuls of city slickers will make it out to the suburbs and rural areas, likely running into more prepared individuals, who are just as likely to shoot them as save them. Probably end up eating them. Very unpredictable, those people.

Contrary to popular opinion, doomsday preppers won’t make it that far, either. The aliens were explicit on this. Seen it across many worlds.

When I asked the aliens if they could somehow help prevent us from destroying ourselves, they said, “Probably. But why?”

I thought they were possibly mistaken. Who, if not preppers, would make it to the end? Surely all that prepping, especially with luxury bunkers, accounts for something?

But no, the aliens have lots of falsifiable scientific studies that indicate prepping makes things worse. They only showed me one of these studies but I believe them. They came from the stars, right? In a spaceship! They have no need to lie.

Other preppers, they continued, will excel in running doomsday cults and “human recycling communities.”

When I asked them what a “human recycling community” was, they cited The Walking Dead, and asked, rather coyly, if I’d seen the show.

Of course I had but reminded them that zombies are fictional. Real cannibals are, you know, real. Yet, they insisted that there’s little difference between the two during an apocalypse.

They did, however, once see actual zombies preceding an apocalypse but didn’t stick around to make sure. They nuked the planet from from orbit and ran. Maybe there’s a correlation between phobias of spiders and zombies?

The ETs can’t be sure about their predictions on preppers, though. As they pointed out, not even advanced civilizations can predict the future.

It’s possible that some well-organized and disciplined preppers will make it but the aliens remain skeptical. They’ve (allegedly) done their research, watched all of our worst apocalyptic movies, including every episode of, again, The Walking Dead, and came to the conclusion that bunkers are bad for survival.

While their chief scientist explained his bunker research to me, he let slip that popcorn parties are a popular activity of doomsday gazing. I found the non sequitur to be insensitive, but he assured me it’s nothing personal. With long lifespans and millennia of interstellar travel, boredom is the greatest threat they face these days. Keeping things interesting is key.

He also said they place bets on survivors, helping out favorites like in the Hunger Games, but was very drunk at this point and may have lied to me.

Alien leadership refused to confirm the betting and said that they don’t condone cheating to win bets.

When I asked them if they could somehow help prevent us from destroying ourselves, they said, “Probably. But why?” They tried it before but helping less advanced life forms save themselves from total annihilation is costly and time-consuming.

Conquering and enslaving is also costly and potentially disastrous. Sometimes the native population successfully revolts and occasionally blows up a mother ship. Independence Day wasn’t just a Hollywood blockbuster; it’s loosely based on their last attempt at taking over another planet.

Being defeated by less advanced species is also demoralizing. Long story short, now the aliens just flip planets.

They find sellable planets, set up shop on a local moon or nearby planet, and just wait. Sometimes they send disguised agents down to the surface to speed the process along- sow discord and whatnot, but they’ve assured me that this is absolutely not the case with us. Even if it is, they certainly “aren’t taking anymore bets.”

They’re not even making that much money off Earth—basically just managing it until we destroy ourselves. The buyer is getting it for a steal.

I was appalled that they’d admit to manipulating our fate and asked if they’d heard of the lizard people. Missing my sarcasm, they assured me that the lizard people are just a crazy conspiracy theory. Besides, they have far better disguises.

They do, however, find our fantasies about lizard people taking over very interesting, given our primate origins. They believe there’s a deep well of guilt in our primate ancestry from taking over the planet after reptiles.

I told the aliens this was ridiculous. Humans have no animosity towards reptiles and certainly don’t feel bad about inheriting the planet. You can’t feel guilty about what evolution and chance give you.

My comment started them on a fit of laughter and they begged me to stop trolling them. I couldn't be sure if they were serious or just trolling me.

I asked who’d make it to the end and the aliens said their analysis points mostly to the Swedes and Canadians. Some remaining Amazonian tribes will be there, too, along with several handfuls of Russians and Chinese living in the boonies.

For their troubles, the survivors will get an unlimited pass to any one of the resort planets the aliens own. For the rest of eternity! Sadly, the survivors will have to physically hand over Earth to a new owner but c’est la vie, am I right!

Any doomsday preppers that make it to the end will have to undergo a mandatory memory wipe before they’re allowed to leave Earth.

Before saying goodbye, they asked me if I wanted to make a wager on my own survival. I gave them the finger instead.