Hi sweet friends!

As you’ve seen on social media, my twenty-eighth birthday is coming up in eleven short months. I’ve planned a handful of unforgettable celebrations and I’m crossing my fingers that you’ll be able to join the festivities! And, with this much advance notice, you have no excuse for missing a single event 😉


QUARTER-BIRTHDAY

We'll kick things off with a low-key brunch nine months in advance of my birthday. We’ll have mimosas, my fave lemon ricotta pancakes, and seriously, your presence is present enough.

HALF-BIRTHDAY

Again, not a big hullabaloo, just cocktails and omakase at Manhattan’s most expensive new sushi restaurant, ?? (pronounced: Mon-Ey). We’ll all wear white because that will look awesome in photos. And actually, please wear something that’s Pantone 11-0601 because I found a gorgeous dress in the shade and you know I’m a stickler for matching! Please don’t try to pass off 11-0602, cus I’ll know 🙂

THREE-QUARTER BIRTHDAY

Three days. Private island in the Bahamas. All our favorite bands from the aughts. Luxury beachfront villas. Hot young female models and smooth baby male venture capitalists. We’re going to Watyr Festival, which Instagram-promises to deliver in all the ways Fyre failed us. It’s a skosh pricey at seven thousand dollars for the weekend, but it’s important we take this time to recharge and bond heading in to Birthday Month.

BIRTHDAY MONTH

Just typing those two little words sends a thrill down my spine. We’ll rent the penthouse suite at a luxury hotel and live there for four weeks. I’ll be taking the month off work and I humbly request you do the same. All Birthday Month, a collective of celebrity chefs will present five to six square meals a day. Fun science fact: during Birthday Month, calories don't count. We’ll dress in coordinated outfits with bespoke sashes and tiaras, and we’ll get around town in an open-air trolley decked out with streamers, balloons, and a driver named Channing Tater.

BIRTHDAY WEEK

Each day of Birthday Week will be a different theme party inspired by foreign cultures. We’ll start the week with Cumpleaños Fiesta complete with tacos, piñatas, and margs, and end with Alien Gathering. Alien tradition dictates that each friend give me a compliment every minute, $1,000 cash, and a date with their boyfriend. I swear this is real, trust me, I would never randomly ask my friends for anything cray-cray.

BIRTHDAY DAY

God will wake me up with a Birthday Rainbow. I will be whisked away in a silent helicopter. I will glide over the city and pick out special parcels of real estate that a cadre of Ghosts of Mayors Past will gift to me. After I get my fill of sweet, mineral-rich land, the chopper will quietly set me down in a nightclub, where all of you will be waiting on a cloud of edible golden retriever puppies.

BIRTHDAY HOUR

When my new Birthday Rolex strikes 9:04am, the entire party will perform a coordinated swan dive into a swimming pool of champagne filled with the original cast of The O.C., who have already signed a contract agreeing to attend the event (!). The champagne bubbles will pour through the outer layer of our epidermis and I will become exceedingly buoyant, which is a metaphor for my year ahead.

BIRTHDAY MINUTE

The Fyre and Watyr Festival bands plus the Obama family will ascend in scuba tights from the bottom of the champagne pool. They will serenade me. My eighty-foot Momofuku Pantone 11-0601 birthday cake will appear through a mist of gaseous gold. Wow, visualizing it now! Everyone will cry tears of Joy, a new club drug with anti-aging properties.

BIRTHDAY SECOND

After I am serenaded with “Happy Birthday,” and gifted the ownership rights to said song, which are worth literally trillions, I will make a wish that every day is My Birthday. The candles will actually be fireworks! They’ll explode, blowing off the ceiling and showering cake chunks down upon My City so that everyone, rich and poor, can join the party, which will last all night. Marie Antoine-who lol? The tabloids will write about this bash until capitalism implodes and tabloids become state-sponsored propaganda pamphlets.

DAY AFTER BIRTHDAY

A final brunch, but this time, I won’t protest if you bring presents 😉


Please RSVP within two hours via a Venmo payment of $8,040, which should be enough to treat my participation in the events outlined above (as long as at least forty people contribute). You’ll be able to pay out of pocket for each event as you go.

Seriously cannot wait to spend another rotation around the sun celebrating my life with you. Xxx.

P.S. Rachel, I know your birthday happy hour is going on right now but I really had to get this email out. Sorry to have missed it.

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