Here at the Jack Daniel’s Distillery we care about taking the time to do things right. We take pride in what we do; if we didn’t, well, then we just wouldn’t do it. It’s as simple as that. And that’s why we couldn’t be more honored to finally share with all you fine folks the unveiling of Jack Daniel’s Hotspots, our brand new whiskey-on-demand delivery app. So the next time you find yourself hankering for a drop of our classic, charcoal-mellowed sour mash then all you need to do is download Jack Daniel’s Hotspots to your mobile phone device and we’ll set you up with 750 mL of whichever one of our special spirits that you prefer in no time.
We think you’ll agree when we say that we’ve crafted a whiskey-on-demand delivery experience so exceptionally smooth that you’ll swear it’s made in heaven. And the fact that your bottle of our good stuff is hand-delivered straight from the clear, blue skies above by an authentic Jack Drone only enhances the flavor of the experience. Because at Jack Daniel’s we pay attention to the little things. So it should come as no surprise that every Jack Drone is painted black and white with our iconic logo and features an individualized name inspired by the distillers themselves like “Lem” and “Goose.”
And if any of you folks happen to pick up on the fun fact that one of our good ol’ boys shares his name with that of a certain naval flight officer who died on screen way back in the ‘1980s, well we can assure you that’s no simple coincidence, because our Jack Drones are military grade. Developed by our top-secret lab located deep in the bedrock below our sacred cave spring, from whence our special sweet water flows, each and every Jack Drone is crafted to the same exacting standards that has made our Tennessee Whiskey the world’s most beloved hard liquor brand for the past 150 years.
You see, our advanced gyroscopic technology keeps our drones running smoother than a single shot of our double-mellowed Gentleman Jack, and what, with our breakthroughs in radar-invisibility stealth-cloaking, long-range fuel-cell efficiency (optimized to run on our 100 Proof Single Barrel Select, no less), and infrared-homing precision, our Jack Drones aren’t just perfect for delivering whiskey-on-demand to public parks, bus stops, and school playgrounds, they’re also perfect for delivering lethal strikes on-demand against enemy strongholds in contested territory. Which is why we’re also equipping them with air-to-surface missiles and hiring them out to the highest bidder.
Got an insurgency that’s starting to get out of control in the Middle East? Worried about a violent uprising against a totalitarian regime in Central America? The next military coup in Southeast Asia? Then all you got to do is just open up Jack Daniel’s Hotspots on your phone, enter your personal credit card information, and before you know it you’ll be able to bid on all sorts of in-app purchases, like the ability to carpet-bomb a rebel guerrilla base with advanced heat-seeking artillery. Because when we named our app Jack Daniel’s Hotspots, we really meant it.
And every day that we conduct paramilitary drone warfare operations, we’ll do so the best that we can, right here from our homeplace in Lynchburg, Tennessee. It’s a promise of quality we’ve made since 1864. And if you ever find yourself down our way, then we sure do hope you’ll stop by and let us show you around for a bit. We’ve even got a cozy, little place for you to stay overnight right in town at Miss Mary Bobo’s Boarding House. From there you can sit back on her porch at the end of the day, kick your feet up, and watch the sunset as our weaponized horde of mercenary Jack Drones emerges from beneath the surface of the earth, blotting out the colorful evening sky as it mobilizes for a covert strike on an undisclosed target in a destabilized warzone, just like Jack himself would have wanted it.