To whom it may concern,

I’m eagerly tossing my hat into the ring to be considered for your editorial summer 2019 internship. As you’ll note on my resume, I have no previous experience in the field of analytical technological interactive data research BUT, as you’ll also note, I go to a liberal arts college so I’m very versatile.


To whom it may concern,

After doing extensive research on the topic—and reading SEVERAL Atlantic articles about it—I could not be more motivated to work in the field of analytical technological interactive data research. It’s a mouthful, I know, but I’m really up for the job. After working for two summers sweeping the floors at UCB, three weeks as a cashier at Petco, and 6 years doing stand-up comedy, I’ve realized that money is actually something really important. That’s where you come in!


Dear employer,

Why am I a strong candidate? Well, I guess you could say I’m just incredibly passionate about analytical technological interactive data research!! Ever since I was a little girl, my dad has been telling me things like “analytical technological interactive data research is the future” and “you’ll never make money as a comedian” and “you should’ve majored in STEM.” I’m here because I think it’s time I cashed in on my dreams and learned how to CODE.


Dear Joan,

I looked up your name on LinkedIn—because that’s how much I care about this job. I seriously need you to hire me. I’m dedicated, passionate, and slowly questioning my own talents as an artist and creator in this world. Can someone have a mid-life crisis at 20? It’s unclear, but what is clear is that I’m an excellent match for analytical technological interactive data research! Why? Because you guys have health benefits and I’m slowly beginning to realize that Michael Schur will never follow me back on Twitter.


Joan,

I’m going to level with you: I only learned what analytical technological interactive data research actually meant about 45 minutes ago. That being said, I think I’m a great fit for the job because my dad told me he wasn’t willing to help me pay rent anymore and I’m very poor. I need to stop eating saltines for all my meals and having panic attacks on my bathroom floor. What is a “dream job” anymore anyways? In this economy? I’m ready to COMMIT to analytical technological interactive data research. I think. Can you summarize what exactly this job is again?


Joan,

You didn’t reply to my last email—you’re still hiring for the job in analytical technological interactive data research, right? I’m starting to wonder if I’ll hear back from you soon. I’m still very interested in cashing in on my artistic future and beginning work with you this summer. Let me know!


Dear Joan and the management team at analytical technological interactive data research,

I could not be more honored and excited to apply for your summer 2019 internship. Let me begin by saying that I think I’m an excellent fit—what I lack in experience I make up for in complete desperation. I’m passionate about the work you do—which, after reading a handful of articles about in the 2017 issue of Fast Company magazine I found I my dentist’s office—is about STEM. Right? Anyways, I’m passionate, eager, and really just RELENTLESS when it comes to following up with you. I challenge you to find anyone else this committed to the application process.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I think I’m finally ready to use expressions like “It’s a pleasure to e-meet you” or “I have a 401K.” Analytical technological interactive data research is like getting a colonoscopy—you really don’t want to do it but it’s just one of those things, you know?

Wait, is that funny? If I tweet that do you thinl Michael Schur will DISCOVER ME? Regardless, I still need disposable income. Please hire me.

Cheers!

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