As the founder and CEO of the esteemed “Word of the Day” Calendar, I try to keep a low profile. I’m by no means a recluse, or hermit, or solitudinarian; nonetheless, rather than rise to well-earned celebrity status, I like my lexical craft to speak for itself. However, I cannot stay silent, unvoiced, or unforthcoming any longer.

Even with the annual surge in profits surrounding last-minute gifting for Mother’s and Father’s Days, this year has left the “Word of the Day” company bereft and impecunious. I am forced to diagnose my product’s low sales as a symptom of much larger issues plaguing our nation. I outline them below in the simplest of terms I can muster given my state of distress, agony, and melancholy.

First off, my vocabulary-expanding product is merely one of many victims of widespread threats to the print industry. Once a staple in your Aunt Barbara’s bathroom, now my calendar’s sales are frickin’ tanking. According to my marketing research team, as well as my soon-to-be-ex-wife Jen, you people don’t “need” a physical calendar because of your “phones,” or whatever. Interesting. Does that nifty calendar app on your phone grow your mind? Does it come with the satisfying tear of paper that symbolizes another day conquered, another word learned? On August 5th, did you seamlessly integrate “assiduous” into conversation? No, you didn’t, because your calendar app doesn’t care about your brain the way that I so dearly do. To put it as simply as humanly possible, I am left feeling desolate, irate, and—dare I say it—downright choleric.

Secondly, our nation’s literacy rates cause me vexation and chagrin. As a society, we no longer value the erudite, nor the sagacious, nor the cerebral. I raise a point that comes up again and again, from employee check-ins to divorce talks with Jen: Why does everyone hate big words? No one even tries to integrate vocab like “termination” and “cessation”—these simpletons say “I quit” and “This marriage is over, you’ve been out of touch for years and have never satisfied me in bed.” This is why our adolescents perpetuate dangerous anti-intellectual ideologies, such as “why use many word when few word do trick.” Well, it is my firm belief that few word do not “do trick.”

Finally, and most crucially: What the hell is wrong with you people? What do you heathens want, an “Emoji of the Day” calendar? Because I’ll make it! I’ll put a little eggplant emoji on February 14th if that’s what you godforsaken savages will buy. I’ll figure out something tasteful for September 21st, Jen’s birthday—that little dancing girl that you love so much, maybe. If it means putting food on the table for my famished, impoverished family, I’ll do it. If it means you’ll come back to me Jen, baby, I’ll do it.

And now, as a result of the concerns outline above, it is with sincere commiseration that I announce that we here at “Word of the Day” Calendar will be forced into mass, company-wide layoffs. I am aggrieved to let go of our dedicated in-house vocabulary curators. Oh, did you brutes think it was just random that “quixotic” shows up on January 2nd, when everyone’s New Year’s Resolutions are being put to the test? Or that “eldritch” appears on October 30th? You thought this shit just happened randomly? Give me a break. Our calendar is a work of art; it’s adroit lexical prowess, if I do say so myself. And now, because none of you people have vocabulary integrity, my kids will continue to starve. I’ll let my seven-year-old explain to you what “ineffable” means, while you explain to her why mommy and daddy can’t put food on the table.

In summary, I will leave you with a few choice words to express the outlook of my beloved product: Dismal, grim, wretched, demoralized, putrescent, Jen please come back I know we can work this out, and above all else? Shitty.

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.