How are you doing? I was applying for the job you posted on Workable when something really weird happened to my computer! I had attached my cover letter and what I thought was my resume but what was actually a bit of creative writing I have been working on.

First, I hope you liked it! I can be a bit kooky sometimes with my creative stuff, which I think can be an asset to your company's brand portfolio. But, also, I don’t have to bring any of that kookiness at all. Whatever you want.

The document that I sent you by mistake, “Human Meat and the Future of Farming,” may seem like a bit of a confession of sorts, but I assure you it is not. I have never eaten another human being, despite the many times I claimed to in the text. At times during my process, I like to get into the mind of the character. I will use exercises such as giving my characters my name and using specific details that exactly mirror my life. These are just building blocks of course, and these details often will be changed in later drafts. I love, love, LOVE the writing process, which I believe your brand could utilize to further your official access-offer-engine and narrow your prospective touchpoints.

I know what you’re thinking. What about the recipe for cooking the hand? It’s a strong opener, that’s for sure. But, it got your attention, didn’t it? You’ll probably never forget it. Imagine that kind of impression being made when it comes to your brand. That is a priceless asset. Every time a customer sees an everyday object (in this case, they see their own hand) they will pair that image with the service that you provide (in this case, their own hand being broiled in a shallot and garlic reduction). Can’t you just see the sales team tongues wagging at the thought? The direct-to-fan access is immeasurable.

Let's say, for a moment, that this entire email was just a frantic attempt to cover up a mistake and the manifesto is my core belief system laid bare on the page. What is the big deal? You hire a cannibal. So what? I bet you’ve never even met a cannibal before. By adding someone like me to the team, you could tear down some of the walls in our society. I’m not some “foaming at the mouth” maniac, dementedly licking my lips every time I see an exposed forearm reaching across a desk to hand me a piece of paper. I’m an adult, I have self-control. You would be shocked at the number of cannibals in the business and arts community in our mid-sized town. Our numbers are growing and soon the stigma will end. Eating each other is the next chapter of this great country. Let’s write it together!

Just kidding, of course! I am NOT a cannibal. Unless you're interested in shattering a glass ceiling. Kidding! Maybe.

Anywho, I’ve attached my resume to this email FOR SURE THIS TIME. I truly do love Chester’s Chicken and I look forward to (hopefully!) being a part of your social media team!