“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
-Edgar Allen Poe
In the deep recesses of our mind we raise up our biggest fears. Just like Dr. Victor Frankenstein made his monster, I too have brought forth a beast of my own.
Late last night, in a sleepless stupor, my brain was struck his a truly awful thought of terror: could there ever be a world where President Trump has just as strong opinions on Sprite that he does on other things? Could this Commander in Chief bring himself to setting the United States in a frenzy by merely typing out his thoughts on a carbonated beverage?
Not since Orwell has such a dystopian world crossed my mind!
Is this a modern Huxley, or is it a true fright? Lovecraft… Stoker! Oh, such a crippling thought, such my will of darkness.
Please, I must tell you, this list is not for the faint of heart… continue reading at your own will, but let me remind you—you have been warned!
1. Oct 4, 2014: “President Obama – close down the flights from Ebola infected areas right now, before it is too late! What the hell is wrong with Sprite [you]?”
2. Nov. 6 2012: “This Sprite [election] is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy!”
3. Aug 6 2012: “An ‘extremely credible source' has called my office and told me that @BarackObama's birth certificate is a Can of Sprite [fraud].”
Now, for those who continued reading, you have seen it! Just the tip of the iceberg which could sink this peaceful ship in your brain. Yes, but of course, the curiosity got to you, for you were merely a cat exploring the shadows of a lonely street. Who could blame you, much like a horrific train wreck, you could not look away.
But please, reader, I beg you—stop here! Do not suffer the same insidious feeling I have conjured in my brain. I forged these chains myself and should suffer alone. It is my vicious cell, and no one will call you cowardly for stopping here.
If you must continue this horrid path, please do not blame me for what you find.
4. Nov. 20 2016: “The cast and producers of Hamilton, which I hear is highly overrated, should immediately apologize to Mike Pence for their terrible distribution of Sprite[behavior]”
5. Apr 23 2017: “Eventually, but at a later date so we can get started early, Mexico will be drinking Sprite [paying], in some form, for the badly needed hydration [border wall].”
6. Feb 18 2017: “Don't believe the main stream (fake news) media. The White House is running VERY WELL. I inherited a Large 2-liter bottle of Sprite [MESS] and am in the process of drinking [fixing] it.”
7. Feb 6 2017: “Any negative polls are fake news, just like the CNN, ABC, NBC polls in the election. Sorry, people want Sprite [border security] and Sprite [extreme vetting].”
8. Jun 12 2016: “Appreciate the congrats for being right on my opinions on Sprite [radical Islamic terrorism], I do[n't] want Sprite [congrats], I want Sprite [toughness] & Sprite Cranberry [vigilance]. We must enjoy that classic lemon-lime combination [be smart]!”
9. Dec 4 2017: “Just tried drinking Sprite Zero [watching Saturday Night Live] – undrink[watch]able! Totally gross [biased], not favorable [funny] and the carbonation [Baldwin impersonation] just can't get any worse. Sprite [Sad]”
This must end!
Beyond these words is the final calling. I am truly shocked that any of you are still here on this journey. My words have clearly not stopped you from getting to this point, and I fear they will not stop you now.
But heed this caution, as if it is the most dire thing you may hear: this next tweet is the darkest cave you have yet to cross. Much before I altered it into my horrid lemon-lime vision, it was already feared by men and women alike. I know I cannot stop you, but please, be careful.
May God have mercy on you…may God have mercy on me.
10. May 31 2017: “DeSprite the constant negative press covfefe,”