Good evening. I am a log and today I’m making it official: I am running for President of the United States.

It was never my intention to run for public office but lately the signs are overwhelmingly in favor of my candidacy. Wherever I travel in this great land of ours, more and more I’m hearing people say, “I’d sooner vote for a log.”

At first, I just took that statement as an idiomatic expression and didn’t give it any literal credence. But after hearing it over and over, it was incumbent on me to seriously consider running.

The more I hear people saying, “I’d sooner vote for a log,” the more I feel the call of duty. As a proud deciduous piece of American timber, I now see it as my obligation to throw my hat in the ring or, more accurately, my rings in the ring.

Now I realize some people are not going to blindly vote for a log. They’re going to want to examine my qualifications, history and voting record.

It’s tempting to say that I began life as a log cabin but that’s not true. I have nothing against Log Cabin Republicans but let’s just say that’s not my orientation.

In fact, I’m proud to state that my roots were deep in New England soil as part of a strong, proud apple tree. When that tree was eventually chopped down and the largest branch cut into pieces, I was the largest log of my family of five.

Since then, I have been an integral part of a stack of firewood that has recently toured the country inside a large Winnebago. Those travels have imbued me with knowledge of our great country and a sense of what voters want.

As I see it, voters are tired of loud, mouthy, self-centered politicians making all manner of insincere promises. Voters are looking for a change and I am that change.

I am not a loquacious promise maker. I am more what you might call the strong, silent type. And if I could make one promise to you, it is that I cannot and will not make any promises.

Yes, I am plain and basic and definitely not flashy. What you see is what you get. If excitement and movement are what you’re looking for, I’m probably not your preferred presidential choice.

But if you’re the type of voter who wants a solid, dare I say wooden, candidate for the White House, I’m your log.

If you’re wondering if my views are in sync with yours, just check out my voting record. I have never voted for tax cuts for the wealthy. I have never sponsored legislation to suppress voting rights.

Basically, I’m a middle-of-the-road candidate. Like many of you, I’m neither pro-gun nor anti-gun, neither pro-choice nor pro-life and agnostic on the issue of climate change.

You will not see me taking an extreme position on any of the issues of the day. In fact, you will not see me take a stance on any issue.

Some say I am bland, non-controversial and lifeless but, in this era of overblown rhetoric, shallow sophistry and partisan showmanship, I’m guessing unexciting and predictable may be more to your liking.

I’ve heard the criticisms and personal snubs: He’s silent, round, and immobile. He’s as dumb as a post.

Yes, those in arborum slights are nasty and potentially hurtful. But I can take it because I have a thick, tough outer bark and a big, generous heartwood.

Maybe you’ve never considered voting for a log before but there’s always a first time for everything. Just know that I’ll spend every day stumping on the campaign trail and I’ll always be there for you–unless, of course, the Winnebago owners finally decide to have a campfire.

Log 2020!


And now a quick joke...

I’ve never had a Pap smear. The closest I want to come to getting one is going to the doctor, and having him pull out some knives, cream cheese, and bagels—a pap schmear. Sounds so much better.