We are putting together a team to commit a morally questionable crime that will unexpectedly threaten the world as we know it. We are looking for good people who are willing to join our team. I can’t give much further detail into the operation as we don’t want the authorities to get wind of it nor do we want a rival group of mercenaries to compete for the prize.
The posting is for Renegade Team Leader. If you do not have prior experience as a Team Leader, renegade or other, please do not apply.
Both attractive and witty. Your ability to fire one-liners and innuendo, as well as your sex appeal, will really heighten the group dynamics.
You don’t follow rules, but you live by your own personal code.
It is preferable if the world thinks your dead. Whether a case of faking your own death or maybe you’re off the grid with no connections to the world (read: family, friends, bank account, Instagram following, etc.).
You have a dead wife and/or daughter to properly motivate your need for vengeance and/or a ‘nothing to lose’ attitude. If the person we are stealing from if the person who murdered your family, please explicitly mention this in your application. This connection is encouraged, but failure to disclose will result in a third act twist that we are not prepared for.
A military background. If you’ve had your best friend die in your arms and you no longer are willing to fight someone else’s war: this job is for you. We understand you are only looking out for yourself and need to be properly compensated.
You’re a crime veteran looking for one last score. The payout involved will be enough for you to finally retire to that little resort in Mexico. But something tells me, you aren’t going to make it to that beach.
The ability to drive cartoonishly well. While you won’t be the main driver (We have already filled the position of Physically Unimposing, Boyish Wheelman), do expect to have to participate in a few chase scenes of your own.
We are not looking for anyone who is racially diverse. Please refer to Help Wanted: Criminal Operation Supporting Team Member posting.
We are not looking for Women. Please refer to Help Wanted: Dead Wife posting or Help Wanted: Former UFC Fighter Turned Criminal posting.
Things you may encounter:
A low flying helicopter that needs to be destroyed. Applicant should be able to take down a helicopter safely from the confines of a car.
A double agent. This position has already been filled as well, but we don’t want to reveal them until near the end of the operation.
A sadistic team member that will go too far and needs to be “handled.”
A neverending wave of pursuit vehicles.
Someone who sees past your tough guy facade and can see the real you.
The opportunity to do the right thing even if it compromises what you’ve been fighting for.
If you feel you meet these qualifications and will be a good fit for the position, please send a 1-page resume. Also, include a picture of your deceased loved one holding a treasured trinket that you still keep with you at all times. Send attachments only, no links.
Be sure to include the alias you would like to go by. Your codename can be anything other than your actual name. We don’t want our team members to get too close. Common aliases include numbers based on your seniority(ex: One, #2, Seven), a word that details your physical appearance (ex: Red, Squirt, Black Guy), or a name that inspires fear (ex: Slasher, Deadshot, Captain Murder).
Please expect a response in 5-10 days. No response is likely a result of you not following the submission guidelines, so double check before applying.
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