Does the inflation of modern crystal costs leave you struggling to manifest a future beyond nightly ennui tippled sherry binges? Is your soul wallet trapped in psychic overdraft? Has your apartment's makeshift solarium been positively begging for the charmingly gauche pièce de résistance of the urbane wellness elite?
True seekers have grappled with capitalism’s influence on the crystal industry for centuries. We’ve watched Big Crystal push the price point of even the most prosaic cut of rose quartz through the astro-economical roof. Yet, despite the expense, conventional crystals remain the preferred channel through which Mother Gaia’s energy flows—to ignite passion, serenade the muse, or miraculously heal the inner turmoil of even a Season 5 Frasier.
Before giving up and slipping into the dark, foppish embrace of 1994’s Niles Crane, you should know that expensive, name brand crystals are not your only avenue towards enlightenment. It’s time you explore the world of Found Crystals.
Corporate suits often criticize Found Crystals as “mere pastiche” or simply “plain, old garbage.” Is citrine more pleasing to the eye than the discarded cap of a Belgian Gueuze? Without a doubt. But that doesn’t mean that your new (free) talisman can’t align your chakras after its associated contents give you a buzz.
Budget crystals are the energy channels of the mystic proletariat, the esoteric everyman, the visionary poors. You just have to know how to use them.
Shattered Window Shard
Often referred to as a gateway totem, Shattered Window Shard is one of the easiest crystals to find or create. In fact, the plate glass over an ex-lovers portrait has been known to be exceptionally powerful when broken while unironically sobbing along to “I’m in the Mood for Love.”
This “stone” is often used when looking for something that could, if pressed, be described as mutual fondness. It’s important to keep Shattered Window away from erogenous zones. Given its reputation for causing a rash treatable only by a healing paste of tossed salad, scrambled eggs, and the wine your date “accidentally” spilled on your (hardly noticeable knock-off) Giorgia Armina smoking jacket when you insisted on going dutch at Le Toque.
Aluminum Foil Sphere
Aluminum Foil Sphere, also known as “Quarter Pounder of Regret” or “Diet Starts Tomorrow” might not seem like an necessary talisman to have lingering in your 1998 Subaru, but it’s a vital channel for filling the emotional void. This mystic orb encourages self-reflection. Are you happy with your work? In your relationship? Do you wish you had a live-in father to blame for the woefully thrifted state of your living room furniture? Some say that if you gather enough of these esoteric elements in their raw form (hot with extra onion) you may be able to escape the grasp of the boldly sculptural Le Corbusier lamp haunting your dreams for at least 15 minutes at a time!
Old Gum
Press this amulet against your third eye when dealing with insurance agents, the weight of one thousand online shopping cart always filled but never ordered, or Seattle’s infamous rain.
Miller Light Bottle Cap
A life-giving element for those who exclusively consume Top Ramen the business week before payday, Miller Light Bottle Cap is imbued with the energy of financial anemia, crippling debt, and the groans of a bloated gig economy. For a basic guidance tincture, scrape some blood off of the student loan contracts signed by your 18-year-old self and mix with a few drops from a bottle of Cook’s Sparkling Wine that’s coyly sporting a Perrier-Jouet Belle Époque label. We recommend diffusing it while working out the pros and cons to be had when deciding between refinancing your loans or faking your own death.
Sea Glass
Perfect for those hoping to get beach body ready in the two weeks left of summer. To strengthen this gem’s energy field, hold it over your problem area while chanting “every body is a beach body” in the center of a pentagram made of sand gathered from your local hobby store and the strings of unworn maillots past. Repeat this cleansing ritual until you are possessed by the full confidence of a Crane man debating the merits of the criminally underrated opera, L'enfant et les sortilèges.