OBGYN

In a blue nightgown, I lay backward. She talks about her son’s Penn State applications and asks me how many schools I looked at when I was 18, to which I respond “Only a few, maybe like five.” She scoffs. “Five? Which ones?” I name Penn State on my list, but tell her it felt too much like my high school. She shoves a metal instrument that peels back my skin and she works on my internal organs like a car mechanic. We talk later about my SAT scores and my inability to bear children.

Bra-Sizing Woman

She looks young, maybe eighteen, and I wonder to myself if this might be illegal. I need a new bra though, and it’s not sexual, so I push my worries aside. Aerie wouldn’t hire an underage girl to measure an overage girl’s bra, would they? After tying my boobs with a numbered yellow tape, under, on, and over, she confirms that 36C is the correct size. She also informs me about a thing called ‘Sister Sizes’. With this new measurement, she tells me I might fit into some bra types better as a size 34D. This makes me feel hot and desirable. Her young eyes glaze over my breasts and I feel weird. She’s definitely under eighteen.

Woman Who Walked In On Me While I Was Going to the Bathroom On a Romper Day

Summer 2015: the three months every girl convinced themselves they were cute enough to pull off rompers and pull out wedgies. I too fell victim to these Urban Outfitter adult baby clothes one hot summer night out on the town. I stumbled into a bar stall that barely worked, it might as well have been locked by a whisper. I sat, stripped down, as is tradition when wearing a romper, and faintly held my hand up to hold the door while I peed. Another drunken idiot piled into my stall. She shrieked, exited, and apologized promptly. I saw her later in the bar and she complimented my $50 embarrassment.

My Parents Upon My Debut On Earth

My memory from the day is a little hazy, but from the stories, it seemed like quite a function. People cried tears of joy as they raised my body in the air like an heir to the throne (I assume). My mother felt skinny, my father felt fear, and I screamed upon entrance. Everyone was talking about how healthy I was and how perfect I looked. The doctors were less impressed, and my body confidence spiraled in the years since, but that day remains a shining glory.

My Dog

She whines at the door, and I imagine she says “Please! I must bask in the glory of your naked body!” I allow her into my chambers and she eagerly wags her tail, looking at me from my least flattering angle. “Bed, Rosie” I say, and she gleefully abides. I pad around my room, dripping from the shower, my fat rolls hanging off my love handles and I search for my one good bra in the hamper. Rosie barks at me and settles to watch, her tail still wagging slowly. Later she licks my toe and it’s weird but I don’t mind.

 

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