Dear Rewards Members,

As you’re probably aware (as evidence by slumping reservations, nationwide), our chain had a spell of bad publicity during the third quarter with the widely-publicized federal drug raid at our San Antonio location (where for three days, staff kept the hard-working DEA agents caffeinated with free, bottomless cups of our signature coffee blend), and then again in Terre Haute when some loyal rewards members with a keen sense of smell, discovered the decaying remains of Betty Henson—long-time member of our housecleaning staff—interred in a makeshift tomb, cut out of the box springs of our much-beloved therapeutic beds (always available for purchase by following the link at the bottom of our homepage).

But it’s not all doom-and-gloom here at The Lodge! It’s now been 100 days since the last reported homicide at a Lay-Z-Lodge! And you know what that means? That’s right, it’s double-points award time! In honor of our murder-free 100 days, you’ll receive double points for every night you stay at a Lay-Z-Lodge location in the U.S., Canada, and Mexico (our new Juarez location is finally open, and all Rewards Members get a free armed escort to the parking lot).

You’ll recall I shared the news of Betty’s passing in the August edition of our newsletter, The Lodger. Betty was remembered by her Terre Haute coworkers and former guests as a woman of few words who could mostly be trusted around prescription medications and electronics left out in the open, and she was quick to replace facial soaps, packets of our world-famous lavender-scented shampoo & conditioner, and the “hand lotion” so popular with our male guests—no questions asked. As you know from news reports, a purported member of a drug cartel unexpectedly returned to his room and happened upon poor Betty “sticking her nose where it don’t belong.” We don’t have to recount the grisly details here, suffice to say it involved the cord from a bedside lamp, Gideon’s Bible, and a courtesy ball-point pen with our toll-free reservation number for quick, effortless reservations (800-Rest-N-PZ).

If you Google “Lay-Z-Lodge” and keywords such as “disemboweled,” “execution-style,” or “beheading” you will no doubt return lurid search results related to our Secaucus, Fort Lauderdale, and Altoona locations. Take heed that your safety remains our highest priority and so last year, we’ve implemented a companywide mandate requiring a 24-hour security presence at all of our 500 hotels.

We’d be remiss if we didn’t acknowledge the ritualistic slaying of security officer Barney Ramirez at the Altoona location. Also, we again sincerely apologize to Rewards Members the Risoli Family and their 11-year-old son, Jakob, who had the misfortune of finding Barney’s head in the pool. I want to assure Rewards Members that we are now extending the free counseling to all members and not just Gold-Level as was the case following past homicides.

Also, we’d like to point out that prior to Barney’s tragic death in the line of duty (attempting to stop thieves from stealing an entire stack of courtesy copies of USA Today), it had been 97 days since the last murder (so close!). On a related note, we have yet to fill Barney’s position in Altoona, so if you or anyone you know is interested in a fast-paced and rewarding career in hotel security, please contact us for an immediate interview. Remember, employees are eligible for such perks as up to 50% off their stay at any one of our “high-risk” locations (as deemed by the National Crime Index) after their first 90 days of continuous employment.

Also, while it has been 100 days since our last homicide, it’s been 324 days since the last guest-related murder which I point out, was the result of a domestic dispute and not a random act of violence—though a Houston software salesman in the next room was injured by a stray bullet (but we’re happy to report his recovery is going well and he’s expected to walk again). Way to go, Kevin!

You’ll all recall the controversy over last year’s 100-day celebration that was unfortunately called off when forensics results ultimately showed the body found behind the dumpster of our Albany airport location (which now boasts a newly renovated fitness room) had been a guest, that the strangulation marks on his neck likely caused his death, and that though his decaying corpse was found after 100 days had passed, time of death was weeks earlier. When Rewards Members responded to our revocation of the double points award with a class action suit, we listened. We not only reversed our decision and awarded double points, we went a step further and made Cinemax available in every room. That’s right. Rewards Members now enjoy the latest Hollywood hits and premium after dark adult content on us!

As always, remember Lay-Z-Lodge for your next trip, where we’ve hosed down all of the blood, washed away the chalk lines, and cut away the police tape.  We’re ready for your arrival, and while we won’t “leave the light on for you,” we recommend that you do—for safety reasons.

Be well,

Tim
CEO of Lay-Z-Lodge, Inc.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.