Thank you for your interest in this humiliating minimum wage position. If you’re looking for a fast-paced career where you can handle damp one-dollar bills and wear a mustard-yellow polyester polo shirt, you’ve come to the right place. A career at Crazy Dave’s Wieners is an exciting opportunity for when you’re either starting out at rock bottom, or returning to rock bottom for your “second act” in life.

But before we go any further in our rigorous screening and interviewing process, we need to make sure that you’ve got the correct temperament and cognitive reasoning skills to be a successful Wienerista. That’s why we’ve sent you this assessment full of meaningless jargon, rejected Myers-Briggs questions, and unlikely hypothetical situations that will both confuse and upset you. The hard truth is that not just anyone is cut out to work a cash register and pump mustard onto a tube of meat, and we need to ensure that you’ve got the chops!

Instructions for the assessment:

It’s very important that you take this assessment in a cool, dry place free of distractions, but also with proper ambient lighting to put you in the correct Wienerista mindset. You will only have 10 minutes to complete the assessment. The assessment includes a clock that will beep at you then yell out the remaining time in a different language each time a minute has elapsed.

Try not to overthink the questions and just answer what initially comes to mind. But also keep in mind that what seems like an arbitrary or easy question may inadvertently cause you to fail this assessment and, therefore, you will be the failure who was somehow unable to secure a cashier position at a hot dog stand. But again, just do your best. There are no wrong answers, except for the wrong ones.

Question 1:

Which of these words best describes your relationship to mustard and to your paternal grandfather? Pick either only one word or exactly three words.

  • Outgoing
  • Barrel-Aged
  • Confident
  • Trepidatious
  • Yellow
  • Complicated
  • Bold
  • Mustardy

Question 2:

You see a fellow employee stealing from the cash register. Which martial art do you use to stop them?

  • Tae kwon do
  • Karate
  • Jiu jitsu
  • Krav maga
  • I would join the employee in stealing from the cash register and intend to rob Crazy Dave’s Wieners on day one of employment

Question 3:

A customer asked for a Spicy Dave, but you gave them a Dilly Dave by accident, and now the customer is upset. Please select which famous painting most closely evokes the feeling that matches your reaction to the scenario.

  • The Persistence of Memory
  • Christina’s World
  • The Storm on the Sea of Galilee
  • The Garden of Earthly Delights
  • The Scream

Question 4:

Please select which of these two statements most closely matches how you really feel about this job.

  • I’m an ambitious go-getter and I intend to become CEO of Crazy Dave’s Wieners by 2035.
  • I would never usurp or threaten the CEO’s position, and am content to remain a cashier at Crazy Dave’s Wieners because I find it fulfilling and find value in providing excellent customer service.

Question 5:

Without using Google or a dictionary, what is the correct spelling of the fermented cabbage condiment that sometimes goes on hotdogs?

  • Sauerkraut
  • Sourcrowt
  • Serrkreet
  • Soorkroot
  • Kimchi

Question 6:

Your manager has directed you to perform the PRT procedure, but you think that the MRT procedure would be more appropriate given the circumstances of a Code H. What do you do?

  • Do the PRT procedure
  • Do the MRT procedure
  • Call for a Code K to offset the Code H
  • Follow up your PRT with an MRT and dial #26 to speak with a Senior Wienerista
  • Steal from the cash register

Results:

We’ve reviewed your assessment responses, and at this time, we unfortunately will not be moving forward with your application for Crazy Dave’s Wieners. We understand this may be disappointing news, as you were only applying for this position out of total unfettered desperation. Surely you can understand that a position such as this demands a specific personality and temperament, and due to a high volume of desperate applications coupled with a low volume of qualified HR representatives, we must rely on non-scientific assessments that we picked up on the cheap from a consulting company that was going out of business to make our hiring decisions.

Again, thank you for your interest in a career with Crazy Dave’s Wieners, and please don’t lay awake at night wondering if you should have picked krav maga. It wouldn’t have made a difference.

Have a Wieneriffic day!

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