Dear Honorable Lord Hiring Manager,

As a workaholic whose academic achievements remain locked to their sense of self-worth and identity, I read your posting for an unpaid, 40-hour-a-week internship with great interest. I would be honored to follow the Great American Tradition of post-grad life by being overworked and unpaid in order to achieve that first taste of numbness that I hope to find in my eventual career.

I have a strong passion for sacrificing everything for work. Throughout my time in college, I have taken six credits a semester, while also serving as president of three clubs, working two campus jobs, and maintaining a 3.9 GPA through the complete and utter sacrifice of my physical and mental health.

When my printer ran out of ink, I opened up a vein with a tack and used my own blood to refill it

With over sixteen years of experience in the educational system, I am adept at problem-solving in high stakes situations. I recently spent the past semester bullshitting my way through a class in French Philosophy. I managed to gather enough jargon into my final essay for my professor to think, “Wow, I don’t know what the fuck is being said here, but since this poor bastard managed to reference Foucault seventeen times, I guess I’ll give them an A.”

My superiors all applaud me on my ability to retain a professional demeanor no matter my stress level. I have achieved this by limiting my mental breakdown to three times a week. By looking at me, you would never guess that I have stress vomited in every single bathroom on campus!

I am a campus leader who is more than happy to do all of the work on a semester-long group project. My ability to make sacrifices has allowed me to develop a strong work ethic. I have written four essays in the span of two days, and when my printer ran out of ink, I opened up a vein with a tack and used my own blood to refill it, thus pleasing the Gods of Academia and my comparative lit professor. This truly taught me about the power of resourcefulness against all odds.

If graced with this honorable internship, I will not sleep. At my previous internship, I once went 94 hours without sleeping or eating and produced incredible online content for my supervisors.

I will refuse to accept pay. The fact that you are even considering hiring me, fills me with more happiness than I could ever imagine. I admire your company and I have stalked every intern and employee on social media. Each of them are currently my idols, but after this internship, I hope that they will not only become my friends but also pawns on my road to Complete Corporate Domination.

I truly cannot wait for the prospect of an interview and hopefully an internship, which will bring me one step closer to my ultimate dream, becoming a loyal cog in the capitalist machine.

A Hopeful Cog In The Capitalist Machine