4th September 1897
Benjamin “Buck” Duggart Esq
Brush Hole, Colorado
To Whom it May Concern,
Firstly, I have been a patron of the Sears Roebuck & Co. catalog since my first purchase of “Prof. Bingham’s Bung-Balm”. You never cease to impress me with your tremendous selection of “Happy Home Dentistry” kits and your competitive pricing on “Magnificent Mink” hair tonics. However, I must confess that after purchasing one of your products recently, I have found myself about as satisfied as an Onanist wearing oven mitts.
The product I am speaking of is “Professor Keeley’s Automated Boudoir Companion”. When I originally saw the advertisement for the aforementioned device, promising “convenient sensual experiences and easy clean up” I was intrigued. As a dealer in surplus monkey teeth, I have little time for intimate relationships and was hopeful that I would never again have to carve a hole in a freshly roasted pumpkin. The money I would save on melon-ballers alone was worth the inquiry.
After the package arrived, I opened the box and was greeted with what looked like a steel mannequin, a collection of springs, an inner tube, and a gallon jar of whale grease. The instructions provided featured inscrutable diagrams scrawled in crimson upon a lambskin scroll and the only pictogram I could decipher consisted of what looked a skull-faced woman with bear-traps for breasts swallowing a man whole with her nether-regions.
Once assembled, greased and started, I took the device for its maiden voyage. Its eyes were unblinking and indeed, seemed to stare into my very soul as its cold pincers scraped up and down my ample frame. A high-pitched mechanical whine split the air and I was unable to tell if it was the machine or I who was screaming as I was jostled unpleasantly amid black smoke and splattering whale jelly.
The caterwauling and rough treatment took much of the romance out of having congress with a mechanical scarecrow. However, I was willing to let that first experience pass when I noticed that the boudoir companion had become exceedingly hot. So hot in fact that I was hesitant to be near its “gyna-chamber”, which seemed to glow like a pot-bellied stove on a cold day.
While the device took several hours to cool down, I took the opportunity to tend to my wounds. Unfortunately, when I returned, I found a family of pigeons nesting in the Boudoir Companion’s mouth, or as the instruction scroll calls it, “The Blubber Chasm”. I am unsure if it was the smell of whale grease or the warmth of the chrome steel that attracted them, nor do I care. The idea of being “in flagrante delicto” while a family of birds watches me with cold prehistoric faces is unhygienic and psychologically distracting.
Thus, I must ask Sears Roebuck & Co for a refund of my $4.85 for the device, plus $10.12 to cover medical treatment for injuries sustained. However, I am willing to forgo the medical charge in exchange for you sending me the “Grantham Gourd-Holer” I saw in your most recent issue.
Buck Duggart Esq.