Congratulations on introducing tinnitus into your growing inventory of middle-age decline. Along with three-inch arm hairs and what appears to be a second full set of eyelids, the constant buzzing of tinnitus is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s make these final four or five decades as unpleasant as possible.”
Like that tattoo of Steve Urkel you got while smashed on Sambuca and the low-grade anxiety that death stalks your every move, your tinnitus will be with you always. So it’s important to choose a ringtone that’s right for you, your lifestyle, and your tolerance for the incessant cacophony of crickets inside your head jar.
Here at Ringzalot, we offer a wide range of tinnitus ringtones to make your life anywhere from kind of miserable to pretty fucking miserable. Using our patented SQEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TechnologyTM, Ringzalot Tinnitus Ringtones offers the discomfort and reduced quality of life to match your burgeoning irrelevance in a society of youth-obsessed mumblers.
And our ringtones are guaranteed for life! “Say what?” Yes, you’ll be saying that a lot, thanks to the conversation-garbling effects of Ringzalot Tinnitus Ringtones!
Here are just a few of the ringtones we offer:
“At Least That’s What You Said Maybe”
Using algorithmic Spotifcation matrixology, Ringzalot has taken Wilco’s 2004 song “Less Than You Think” and siphoned off the 12 minutes of white noise that everyone listens to once and then skips over forever. We then transform it into a monotonous painful drone that will keep you up at night and haunt your every waking moment! A Ghost Is Born… in your head!
Relentless Raging River
For those who’ve always harbored the romantic notion of living next to a waterfall, this ringtone replicates the gentle sound of rushing water. And like a waterfall, it never fucking stops! You won’t be able to hear yourself think. You won’t be able to hear the television either. Hope your eyesight holds out for those subtitles!
A Touch of Madness
Is that your phone ringing? Your smoke detector? Oven timer? Spring peepers? Chirping birds? Another goddamn Minions movie? With “A Touch of Madness,” you’ll never know for sure what you’re hearing thanks to our specially formulated Fever Pitch frequency that makes the buzzing in your head sound an awful lot like brain termites. Or maybe it’s a tumour! Oh, and sorry about the burnt calzone; it was the oven timer after all.
If you thought cocktail parties were punishing now, wait until you try the MmMbleSonic3000TM with built-in Compree-Hench-N-Off ! Our best-selling, universally reviled ringtone renders everyday speech incomprehensible when even slightly overlapped with the sound of other voices, tinkling glassware, air conditioning and David fucking Gray like it’s 2001 and you can still participate in a goddamn conversation. Gamely smile and nod as you lean in to decipher SQEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE before inadvertently SQEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE the front of her dress SQEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Obama. Or maybe it was “no llama.” Doesn’t matter, you’re alone by the spinach dip now. Try the MmMbleSonic3000TM and stay home forever!
Also available: WhooshWind, Aunt Edna’s Sibilant S, DEAFCON 1, FrequencEEEEEEEE, 8000 Hurts, Vintage Dial-Up Modem, Metal Machine Music
For all your tinnitus ringtone needs, call Ringzalot today! (Actually, probably you should email.)
Ringzalot is not affiliated with Deafalot. Ringtones not returnable or exchangeable. Ringzalot reserves the right to increase volume or frequency of ringtone or substitute with another, more annoying ringtone without notice. Ringtones may cause anxiety or depression. Or depression and anxiety may cause ringtones, the science is iffy on this. Not responsible for mishearing that results in death, injury or agreeing to look after someone’s cat for six weeks. Not responsible for domestic disputes caused by your spouse complaining that you don’t listen when really it’s that you just can’t hear but how can you prove that and if your spouse would maybe speak up a bit or perhaps they could look at you when they speak. Oh, so it’s your spouse’s problem, is it? Typical of you to pass the buck. Not “duck”; “buck.” See, you’re busy reading that fine print and not even listening. Sham did a macho rabid hall of teeth over the coobacooba hfffellehooppch. Or something.