That's gotta be something, right? Barbecue so good you’ll queef? They always say sex sells.

This slangin’ hot sauce will knock your pants right off. Yeah, that one’s good. No one leaves this barbecue place walking straight on account of the barbecue fucks so hard. Maybe scratch the last part there. This barbecue doesn’t even own any underwear!

There are no bad ideas. There are no bad ideas! We just gotta sell this damn barbecue. Less sex, more aggression?

We grill a burger so schnasty it’ll cut you off in traffic and not even make it look like an accident. In fact, it’ll lay on the horn even though it was the one that crossed three lanes of traffic without using a blinker. This is the type of barbecue that’ll lock eyes with you on the subway and not look away or smile or nod or do anything but just keep staring deadpan into your soul. This barbecue goes to a nude beach to stare at everyone’s genitals and smile like it has a little secret. Our pulled pork has stamina like you won’t believe. It’s like a steam engine in bed.

Okay, it’s hard to get away from sex here. This barbecue just fucks too hard. We could try a little cocktail of sex and aggression?

We serve barbecue that will run right up to you and smack you in the balls, and you can tell from the way it’s sizzling that it’s totally getting off to your pain. These ribs will fuck your wife if you don’t eat ‘em fast. Seriously, come chow down on these ribs before your kids start calling them daddy. We smoked a brisket so rude that it taught itself Shibari and now our chefs are hanging upside down from the ceiling with their dicks out.

Oh hell yeah this is some good shit. We’re gonna be moving so much meat. Our barbecue has such a bad attitude and a big fat schlong to match. You won’t be able to keep your hands off it.

But just how bad is this barbecue? Have we created a monster here?

We fried up some corn on the cob so scrumptious it convinced me to fudge my taxes. If you slice open one of our steaks it’ll start gaslighting you. This barbecue has a gun to my head and I’m scared it’ll pull the trigger if you don’t give it 5-stars on Yelp.

But maybe this barbecue isn’t bad just to be bad. Maybe this barbecue is threatening to kill me because no one has ever really seen it for what it is. Maybe it wants to be more than a sexy hot piece of meat. Maybe this barbecue… is just a little misunderstood.

This barbecue doesn’t want to make just anyone queef. This barbecue wants to make me queef. This barbecue wants to fuck my wife and laugh at my genitals. And I want it to do all of that to me too.

Close up shop for the day boys, I’m gonna need some alone time with the barbecue.