Good morning, team.

We here at Stouffer’s have been pretty much killing it. America loves our frozen meals and we love making them and then freezing them and then selling it to them.

However, it has recently come to my attention (through intuition and guesswork) that we have been woefully underserving our clientèle. We are nothing here at Stouffer’s if we’re not always putting our customers’ needs first. And they need more meat.

So we’re shoving 20 times the beef into our lasagnas.

I know this may come as a shock. I know it feels like an insurmountable request. But here at Stouffer’s we don’t look at what our customers ask for—such as excess amounts of beef—and say “No, it can’t be done!”

We are DOERS.

And what we DO is add disproportionate amounts of flesh to treasured italian recipes.

People will scoff. They’ll say things like “20 times the meat is illogical!” To them I say, “You know what else was illogical? Zippers. And look at them now. Fuckin’ everywhere.”

This is what the people want. They want to taste the beef. They want so many beefy layers that they can’t breathe. They want to struggle to pull out a Stouffer’s lasagna from their oven on a Thursday night and almost faint from the delicious smell of cooked cow carcass.

They want to taste so much beef that they forget what other tastes taste like!

They want to witness their children’s smiling faces as they ask, “Mamma, where are the noodles?” to which they reply, “Noodles are dead. We eat 20 times the beef now.”

People will say it’s impossible.

They’ll say “20 times the beef wouldn’t fit in a standard lasagna tray,” or “The planet is dying, go meatless,” or “This makes no sense.” These are the people we will leave for dead in our future Beef World.

We will pack ground upchuck so tightly, so densely, and so smoothly, that the people’s beef needs could be fulfilled with one bite. But of course, one bite of beefy beefiness will never be enough.

Stouffer’s has never shied away from a challenge and we won’t stop now. Not when our mission is so critical.

America is craving this meat, ladies and gentlemen, and Stouffer’s is in a rare position to provide them with about 19.87 times the recommended* amount.

Frankly, we shouldn’t stop at lasagna.

From now on, all Lean Cuisines will also include 20 times the beef.

Remember our hugely successful “Chicken, Spinach, and Mushroom Panini?” Well, imagine the ripples of awe with our “Chicken, Spinach, and Mushroom AND 20 TIMES THE BEEF Panini.”

It won’t be easy. We will need about 35 scientists and 28 innovators from across the globe to accomplish this task.

We will need at least half of them just to push down on the beef so it fits in the tray, like when you’re trying to close an overpacked suitcase.

But we will do it.

Because this is Stouffer’s. And if we don’t give you more traumatized cow bits than your mouth can handle, then what the fuck are we even doing.

*FDA regulations stipulate that we leave .13 g of space for “oxygen molecules.”

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