On the first night I moved into my new apartment, you made it very clear that you were going to do all you could to scare the hell out of me. But unfortunately, I also made it clear that my goal was to cry every single night thanks to my failed relationship. And for that, I am sorry, as I know it got in the way of all your plans to drive me out of my place.

You made your presence known fairly quickly off the bat. I did notice various doors opening and closing again, and I did see you knock a few cups off of my counter, but that was only because I took a break from my constant sobbing. Once I realized you were just in the midst of your haunting I proceeded to groan things into my pillow while my sheets caught everything pouring out of my eyes. And now looking back I see just how awful of me it was not to react to all the hard work you were putting into making me cower in fear.

As the days progressed, and as I expected, the hauntings just ramped up. More and more things were tossed or broken and my light switches were turned on and off. But as usual, my focus was mainly on the number of tears I could produce as I hugged my knees and rocked back and forth on the floor. I was able to muster enough strength to walk to my mirror and watch myself cry, as one does when they are in the middle of an emotional breakdown. You did go out of your way to write “LEAVE!” on the mirror, but I just moved my head around it in order to see my red face.

Again, I am very sorry. I know that you wanted me to run out of there like an ‘80s teen in a slasher film.

I don’t need to remind you, but I know you were behind the constant shaking of my bed at night while I was busy blasting Air Supply’s entire catalogue, all while trying to catch my breath as I soaked my tee shirt. I know that I’ve said this before but I need to say it again: I apologize. I know you were just doing your part to make sure I would move out as quickly as possible. I was far too distracted and in my feelings.

I do recall you doing away with moving various objects and instead going for a more personal approach. While I was screaming my ex-girlfriend’s name over and over again and asking the heavens why she decided to leave me for a magician, I could hear you grunting in the darkness. At first, I thought it was my ex-lover breaking into my place to ask for me back, but it was just you making sinister noises. I really should have been scared, but again, I couldn’t help be bothered as I was too busy continuing to choke on my own salty tears.

Your frustration really came to a boil one night when my entire apartment started to shake. Things were flying all over the place and my television even tried to suck me into it. I couldn’t even appreciate the Poltergeist reference that you were making. All I could do is hold on to my bed frame and continue to feel sorry for myself as I withered away into my river of tears. I also didn’t give a second glance to my windows breaking, my roof flying away, or a deep and dark hole to nowhere opening up on my floor.

I know you gave it all you had, but I hope that one day you understand that I was far too invested in my wallowing to truly pay attention to all of your ghostly activities. Maybe decades from now you will return to this apartment when you’re summoned thanks to a drunken seance.