Before I started spending my days listening to Jordan Peterson lectures, I didn’t think too highly of myself. After all, I did manage to fail my GED test after opting to pull five back-to-back Fortnite all-nighters instead of studying.

But Jordan said I’m smart because I have some sort of “ancient knowledge” that modern society has all but forgotten. I’m not sure what the hell he’s talking about, but as a practicing clinical psychologist, he probably knows something that I don’t.

Before Jordan, I felt like less of a man than my peers. I thought it might be because the majority of my exposure to the opposite sex was through borderline pornographic anime, or because none of my Tinder matches responded to my dick pics, even after I began following the rule of thirds.

But Jordan set me straight.

It turns out the real problem is society. You see, there’s a battle going on against masculinity, and we’re losing. But with Jordan’s guidance, we just might be able to reestablish the patriarchy of the ‘50s and restore order to the universe, so to speak. I’m doing my part by trying to rediscover my “eternal values” which, again, I don’t fully understand, but it sounds like something from a secret society, which I like.

What really sold me was when Jordan managed to use lobsters to explain why minorities should remain oppressed at the bottom of our social hierarchy. From what I’ve gathered, our crustacean friends and us humans both evolved from a common ancestor, and since lobsters naturally exhibit dominance hierarchies, we should, too. I’m not really an expert in analyzing the validity of an argument, but I support anything that increases my societal advantage without me needing to do anything.

Jordan gave words to my previously unspoken concerns about Western society. He told me it was okay to be upset about needing to compete with women and minorities for jobs. He told me it was okay to be angry about how social activists are updating the language we use to talk about society. He told me it’s okay to feel like the victim of an invisible threat, because I am a victim of an invisible threat. Most importantly, he showed me that I’m not alone. In fact, according to recent census data, there are over two million Americans diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

According to Jordan, we have to reclaim our patriarchy from the cold, dead hands of the postmodern, neo-Marxist, feminist quasi-intellectuals who are poisoning our society from the inside out. We must band together, like our lobster brethren, and claw our way back onto the hierarchical mainstage. We must rise up against the so-called marginalized minorities, who are not really victims who must work harder than someone like me to get ahead in society, but rather aggressors who must be cast back to their rightful place in whatever neighborhood is outside the one that was most recently gentrified. And most importantly, we must have enforced monogamy, because without it, I have no chance of ever getting laid.

I know Jordan gets a lot of flack from the left, but don’t you think a man whose book has sold well over a million copies knows what he’s talking about? Surely there’s a good reason his YouTube channel generates more than $80K a month. And call me crazy, but I think the hundreds of thousands of people who have taken his online courses speak for themselves. I mean, can you really imagine millions of people falling for the false ramblings of a madman and blindly supporting him in droves? Let’s be realistic.

Anyway, now that I’ve binge-watched every Jordan Peterson-related video on YouTube, it’s time for me to actually put his teachings to use. First thing’s first: making my bed and sitting up straight. I’ve heard that once you master the basics, the rest just kind of falls into place.

Speaking of which, I have a really good feeling about this next dick pic.