Some party, huh? That Sandra really knows how to make some fantastic dips.

The guac? Yeah, it’s great. I think she said she garnishes it with a bit of cilantro. It really brings out the flavor of the avocado. Definitely subtle, and not too overpowering. Really good stuff.

Listen, I’m going to cut right to the chase because our time on this Earth is limited, and I am not one to engage beautiful women in mindless small talk. So here it is: I am one of the most prolific authors of Perfect Strangers fan fiction you will ever meet. I’m not trying to brag, I’m just stating a fact. There are two, maybe three other authors who have written more Perfect Strangers spec scripts than me.

Actually, you kind of remind me of Monika. Your breasts are definitely smaller, but I think I’m okay with that.

Yes, it is a very unique subculture and you’re talking to a leading member of the vanguard! Of course, a lot of the episodes I write are about the everyday hijinks of Cousin Larry and one Mr. Balki Bartokomous. One episode involves Balki running for Chicago’s city council with Cousin Larry acting as his campaign manager.

I agree, it is a farcical concept! Imagine what Balki learns about local politics in America. And imagine what America learns about Balki’s commitment to running an honest campaign, even in the face of adversity. I’ve even created a new character, shady Italian politician Greasy Joe Giussepie, who does whatever he can to steal votes from a future Alderman Bartokomous. In the end, it’s Balki’s inherent goodness that wins the hearts and minds of Ward 43 voters. (That and a few dozen homemade Myposian sheep waffles in the tummies of a forgotten, but influential voting bloc… Spoiler alert: It’s senior citizens who save the day!)

I feel like I need to get this out of the way: I hate wearing condoms.

Speaking of Mypos, I’ve developed one story arc that I want to share with you, because I think you’ll totally get it. Larry and Balki move to Mypos. This time, Cousin Larry is the fish out of water and Balki is the straight man. Think about it. A cool, city guy like Larry is now living as a simple shepherd alongside Cousin Balki. Now it’s Larry getting into trouble, with Cousin Balki trying to set things right. Don’t YOU be ridiculous, Cousin Balki! And get this… Larry meets a girl. Her name is Monika, and she’s a real beauty.

Actually, you kind of remind me of Monika. Your breasts are definitely smaller, but I think I’m okay with that.

Now I know the Larry/Monika love affair wouldn’t work because in real life because Cousin Larry marries longtime sweetheart Jennifer Lyons at the beginning of season seven. But this is the kind of alternate universe I create that sets me apart from the Perfect Strangers fan fiction hacks, like Donald Myers. Fuck. That. Guy.

I’ve written a few very special episodes, too, that you’ll probably want to sit down and watch with your family, once they’re filmed. There’s one where Balki goes to a party and thinks he sees his “sick” boss sniffing lines of Epsom salt. But get this: his boss is actually a cocaine addict who’s working his way through a pile of blow! But it’s too late! Balki dumps all the coke into a pot of boiling water and advises his boss to deeply inhale the concoction in order to clear his sinuses.

Yes, I’m aware of the fact there was a scene in Crocodile Dundee where a very similar scenario played out. But I wasn’t thinking about that scene when I wrote this episode. Cocaine addiction is a serious issue, and Paul Hogan hasn’t cornered the market on showing us the ridiculous nature of drug abuse.

No, I’m not sure when my episodes will be aired. Like I said, you won’t be able to watch any until they’re filmed. Show business, am I right?

But I’d guess Perfect Strangers 2.0 will be fast tracked once Bronson Pinchot gets my scripts to the right people. I send him about two scripts a week, and he says they are very interesting, so I guess it’s just a matter of time.

In the meantime, I’m working on a few other projects including a fan fiction spinoff of the Perfect Strangers’ spinoff, Family Matters. Tentatively, I call it, “A Perfect Family of… Strangers?” And are you ready for yet another spoiler alert? Steve Urkel’s alter ego “Stefan Urquelle” has his own alter ego who is actually just Steve Urkel! Mind blowing, I know. I’ve sent some rough drafts to Reginald VelJohnson, so we’ll see where this journey takes me.

I’d be happy to share more Perfect Strangers stories with you once we go some place more private. I see you already have your coat.