Are you a world leader facing a tough re-election? Need a distraction from impeachment proceedings? Looking for the sweet boost in approval ratings that comes from killing foreigners abroad?

Then the Raytheon Tomahawk® cruise missile might be right for you!

Raytheon Tomahawk® cruise missiles are designed to deliver maximum patriotism with minimal blowback. Each Tomahawk™ cruise missile is equipped with a state-of-the-art guidance system to project one thousand pounds of pure Freedom (pat. pend.) into the hearts and minds of your citizens – and the bodies of brown people.

With an operational range of up to 1,550 miles, you can fire and forget about your problems. Just aim fifty-two of these bad boys at some priceless cultural artifacts and no one will be talking about your emails.

No Congressional approval? No problem! The Lockheed Martin Hellfire II™ air-to-surface missile is just what the spin doctor ordered. The primary 100-pound air-to-ground weapon of America’s drone army is small enough to Freedom thousands of civilians abroad without troubling citizens at home, but big enough to start a serious regional conflict if delivered to the right second-in-command! At only $117,000 a pop, the Hellfire II™ is perfect for when you need to make a splash without splashing too much cash.

Of course, there’re no drone strikes without the drone, and we have plenty of choices on offer. Our favorite? The General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper®. The successor to the Predator® improves on its predecessor in every way, including space for up to four—that’s right, FOUR—Hellfire II™ missiles. Enough fun for the whole family, friends, first responders, and anyone else dumb enough to check for survivors.

It’s all the media benefits of waging a war without the political mess of waging a war! Unless you start a war.

In which case, boy do we have even more toys for you to escalate with! We’ve got missiles for everything: air-to-air, air-to-surface, air-for-on-air, you name it! From classics like the Raytheon AIM-9X® Sidewinder and Boeing® AGM/RGM/UGM-84 Harpoon to modern heavyweights like Lockheed Martin’s JASSM, there’s no end to the acronyms that reporters will breathlessly cover on live TV instead of all the evidence pointing to how you personally held up aid to an ally so as to extort them into investigating your political rival. Hell, we even have a missile that blows up other missiles, AND it’s called the Patriot™. Job: done.

And if things start to get really hairy, and war-weary citizens begin erecting the guillotines, we’ve saved the best for last: the Boeing LGM-20G® Minuteman III. Launch just a few of the five hundred and fifty we have in store and believe us, your re-election campaign will be the last of your concerns.

The military industrial complex: we’ll blow your problems away! Or up. Either way, as long as we get paid.


Community: We want to see your comedy, both evergreen and topical! Submit an article or list.
Education: Punch up your comedy writing and technique with PIC's Coaching and Feedback.