To my pre-recorded savior,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! A million times thank you. What would I have done without your message?

Earlier this week, you left me a helpful and informative voicemail to tell me that the police have issued a warrant from my arrest. This was so great to learn!

As you know, I am a murderer. That’s basically my whole deal. I am a murderer who just loves murdering! So having a heads up that the feds were onto me allowed me to get the jump on those filthy pigs and avoid being brought to justice.

Now that I’m safely in hiding and have murdered a bunch more people, I wanted to reach out to thank you, the robot who is single-handedly responsible for this grateful murderer still being on the streets. Robot, let me just say this: even though I love to murder, I would never murder you. And that’s high praise—I once murdered my very favorite Jonas brother (Kevin) because I didn’t like his new haircut (not enough volume). But I would never murder you, even if your hair were as flat and dull as the eyes of my most recent victim (very).

And to think, if you hadn’t called at the perfect moment—when I was in the middle of dinner with my family—I would never have known that there was an outstanding warrant in my name. I would have been caught, taken in peacefully, and sentenced according to my crimes.

But nope! Your message saved me from a life behind bars and enabled me to keep roaming the streets, arbitrarily murdering as I see fit (a lot). In fact, now that I’m in a whole new town, I may even take this chance to start fresh, to turn a new leaf. Of course I mean arson!

So thank you, Robot. Your sweet electronic voice reached the exact right person, and this remorseless murderer who’s taken the lives of over two hundred people and counting could not be more grateful for your call.

Now off to murder some more people and maybe also set a ton of fires!

Yours with eternal gratitude,

I Can’t Actually Tell You My Name on Account of All the Murdering

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