A Bunch of Seedless Red Grapes

In many ways grapes are my greatest threat. I’m only one woman. The cheerleader effect is in full force here—these crunchy little hoes will not cease with their sumptuous ways. Constantly pressing themselves together, for some reason always just a little bit wet, completely seedless. I haven’t seen a group of gals this desperate for attention since Sex and the City 2.

A Pair of Cantaloupes

Honestly I wasn’t going to say anything because it’s 2020, but come the fuck on cantaloupe. Like—we get it. And he bought two of you? As if I can’t take a hint? Sort of sad to think that you derive all of your worth from your perfectly spherical shape but like… Do your thing, I guess.

The Banana

Slim, curvy, elegant, mildly phallic—I’ll never be her. And that’s ok! I mean, sure, she’s hot shit now (and I do respect that!), but in a couple of days when the spots start to form, when her supple yellow skin begins to wrinkle, when her sweet firm body turns soft and sinewy… Not to be ageist but he will pick me.

A Beautiful Fleshy Tomato

Ms. Tomato over in the crisper thinks she can hide amongst the vegetables, but I know her little game. Just yesterday I saw him glancing over at her as he went to go pick up a bunch of kale (who I’m also watching closely… that fresh leafy harlot) She’s beautiful, plump, juicy, even. But somebody has to say it… What’s even the point of wearing such thin layer of skin? She might as well be naked at this point? I know exactly what she’s here for and it is not to be artfully baked into a focaccia.

I Know, Not Technically a Fruit but The Bitch on The Sun-Maid Raisin Box

Alright now this one might seem like a stretch but CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS BITCH ON THE SUN-MAID RAISIN BOX? I don’t want to slut shame but this girl is a slut. Leaning over with her bosom like that, right in my home, just begging me to make her my sworn enemy! I never thought I’d say this about a box of aged grapes—but it is erotic, and I will not stand for eroticism in my pantry.

Again, I’m Getting Slightly Off-Theme (Consider That I Could Be Subverting the Form?) but also The Quaker Oats Guy

I know I said this list was definitive but at the end of the day I can’t sit back and say nothing while the Quaker Oats guy absolutely eye-fucks my man to hell. Oh you’re just a Quaker? Oh you’re a quiet little celibate oat man? With your little Benjamin-Franklin-ass hair and your belief in the ability of each human being to experientially access the light within? I’ll kill you and I will not regret it!

Sorry Last One but What About the Honey-Nut Cheerios Bee

And while we’re on the topic of breakfast grains, don’t even get me started on the Honey Nut Cheerios bee. He thinks he’s the first fresh-faced little thing to come through here? Thinks he can catch my man’s eye with his pointy little behind and his devil-may-care attitude? I must clean out my fridge immediately—and my pantry. I will starve to death before I let my boyfriend fall in love with a beautiful, free-spirited bee!

I Know I Said Last One but I’m Worried About My Broom

I know, I know. But I just noticed the broom is slowly leaning towards my boyfriend’s seat at the kitchen table. Don’t think I don’t know what this is broom, you skinny whore!! I’ve seen Beauty and the Beast. I’ll admit it: you have a gorgeous bristle-y bottom, the perfect body for clothes, and I guess you have been incredibly useful (even though to be honest I don’t think you’d be where you are today without dust pan…), but remember where you came from: my uncle’s storage closet. And I can see to it that you end up back there.