1. Themed Parties

I have no problem with a Christmas party during Christmas, or a birthday party on your birthday…but sending out an invitation in the middle of April that reads, "Come join us for a Pirate Party, Nyarrrrr!" What the hell is that? Not that I'm saying I wouldn't want to drink a few beers wearing an eye patch, but are you fucking kidding me? This is why we have Halloween.

If you really think about it, you're inviting someone to spend their free time with you AND giving them homework. "Oh, I'd really love to go to Bob and Martha's party, but I just don't own any fur suits, and they made it quite clear it is an Ewok party." As good of a job as you did turning your living room into the moon of Endor, I still think this is a bit bizarre. Yes, yes, we're all Ewoks, but I swear to Christ if you poke at me with that stick one more time I will beat you like a Swedish wife.

2. Affliction Clothing

Affliction tshirt with a cross the front
"In God We Thrust"
"I paid 90 bucks for this shirt, brah; and I love fighting!" Yeah, tell ya what, give me 80 and I'll kick you in the nuts and hand you a Fruit of the Loom. Sure your t-shirt with a tattoo designed on it is cool and all, I guess, but…why didn't you just get a badass tattoo? You're probably the same asshole who buys your t-shirts two sizes too small. It's easy to spot these fuckers out, you see them everywhere and they're all the same. The same dude with a shirt so tight you can perfectly make out the trendy Celtic cross necklace under it, sleeves all the way up to the armpits, hair gelled, leather wrist bands (like they're about to do battle with a Viking), expensive "fuck-me" jeans and some ridiculous yum-yum Arnette sun glasses. Wait…didn't I see you in a Nickelback video?

3. This New Rock/Metal Shit

Nickelback, Sick Puppies, Seether, Breaking Benjamin, etc. What the hell is it with y'all? You sold yourselves out. The shame is, as musicians playing instruments, it's some good stuff, but the second your spike-haired, Ed Hardy-shirt-wearing front man opens his mouth, it goes to shit. This new genre of Mommy-Metal is killing our youth. Quit singing about fighting, fucking in cars, money, hot girls, etc. That's what radio-rap is for.

You organic produce freaks are fucking up the economy. These poor chemists spent their careers making shit that kills pests, not humans, and now you're taking it away from them.I've never been to a Seether concert, nor do I plan to, but I can just imagine a sea of Affliction shirts, reeking of the newest Axe body spray, a ton of douchebags eye fucking everyone else's girlfriends, fights breaking out (not real fights, just a lot of "oh yeah, I'm so like all up in your face…what?!"), singing the lyrics…. Horrible. What happened to the real songwriters, the lyrical intelligence? I'm not suggesting every song be some Earth-shattering, enlightening eye opener, but damn, can we not put some thought into it? Zeppelin did it, Dire Straits did it, The Doors did it, Who did it…so I guess what I'm asking is, why the fuck can't you?

4. Hospital Dramas (Really Just One in Particular)

You know what America needs, another hospital drama…I think it's time. Really though, what channel doesn't have a doctor show? I would have liked to sit in on one of the board meetings.

"Well folks, we need something new, something funny and savvy, but emotionally deep enough to keep people tuned in."

"How about a funeral home drama?"

"Too much."

"College drama?"

"Not serious enough."

"How about….okay, now work with me here, how about a hospital drama?"


"I think you're on to something. I mean, it worked for NBC, TNT, FX, Fox, Comedy Central, USA, Lifetime, Oxygen, Nickelodeon, why couldn't it work for us here at ABC?"

Grey's Anatomy cast without a black person
"CUT, CUT! Can we PLEASE get a black person in the shot? Come on, people, what kind of racist set you think we run around here?"
And another one is born. "Oh he's not going there; he wouldn't dare mock Grey's Anatomy." "OH…. YES….. HE….. IS." And how politically correct: you got a big girl, a hot girl, a smart girl, an Asian girl, a black girl, a black guy, a hot guy (what the fuck did I just say?), a tough guy, and a gay guy playing a sensitive pansy guy…and through and through they're all good friends…kinda. Like this shit really happens.

And the women of the show suck. Katherine Heigl's character, quit trying to be so damn inspirational. Meredith Grey, quit squinting your damn eyes. Asian doctor Christina Yang, quit squinting your damn "oh…not cool dude, not cool."

The only thing Grey's Anatomy goes to show is that yes, a soap opera can be successful in a primetime slot. These shows are impregnating our youth with wild fantasies: "Hell yeah I'd like to knock up Katherine Heigl." 8-10 years later you have some disgruntled doctor working on you like a mechanic on a car, pissed off because he's a nobody doctor working every weekend, paying off umpteen thousand dollars in debt and the closest thing looking like Katherine Heigl is some queer dude who has a "flat" in Midtown. (By the fucking way, there are no "flats" in Atlanta.)

5. Smoke-Free Bars

Really? I can side with smoke-free restaurants, but leave the bars alone. "I just hate going to a bar and reeking of smoke." Then drink at home! It's a bar…you go to a bar to drink, smoke, shoot the shit. I have yet to go to the Derby and see a Bible study, or a nightclub discussing Little Women. If you want to ban something in bars, ban hip hop. Do you know how fucking stupid it is to hear Fergie in the neighborhood tavern?

6. Twitter

Twitter cigarette box
Face it, you're addicted. Now stop spreading your secondhand updates in our faces.
Are you really that interesting that you feel the need to have more than a Facebook status to notify the world what you're up to? "Did you hear, did you hear? Ashton Kutcher took a shit." "Aw, no way!" And to you Twitter followers, or twitters…no, that sounds weird; let's just call you idiots. To you idiots, what do you really do with the knowledge of everyone's up-to-the-minute status? And for all of you who feel the need for an every other minute post, it's starting to get a little out of hand. Quit broadcasting so many of your damn personal problems.

TheHaitainActual: is starting to think this cyst is growing.

@ImaFukinDoc: dude, you should get that looked at.

@ImMarriedtotheHaitan: that's gross.

TheHaitianActual: I think there's blood in my stool.

@ImMarriedtotheHaitan: you're not sleeping in the good sheets until you get that looked at. I know how much you fart in your damn sleep.

TheHaitianActual: Damnit woman, what did I say about posting personal shit?

7. Cyclists

There is a huge difference between road cyclists and mountain bikers. Mountain bikers are cool, cyclists blow. Let me tell ya how much I enjoy some douche in spandex holding up traffic. The only thing worse than being stuck behind a cyclist is getting stuck behind a school bus. At least you can run a cyclist off the road.

And to you dumbass cyclists, what the hell is it with y'all riding directly on top of the white line on the road? They paved a nice wide shoulder for you to ride in, so why the fuck does half your body insist on perverting my lane? And if you see me jogging (hahahahaha…yeah) don't scream, "Passing on your left!" Just whiz the hell by me. In the event that I spontaneously decide to lie down in the road, just run over my dumbass. The last time some dude came out of nowhere and screamed, "Passing on your left!" I nearly shit. How about this, if you say passing on your left, I'll say "hockin' a loogie on the left."

8. Organic Shit

As far as I can tell our parents all seem relatively fine. They never had all this organic shit, hell, they most likely were getting shots of mercury as kids. Look at my old man, he never had any of that crap. He does eat some tofu, and sure he's an asshole, but those are personal choices. Hell, I'm an asshole, and to be quite frank it's fun. Call me stupid (no really, do it), but this organic trend is nothing more than a marketing scheme.

And what really kills me is this organic meat, or whatever the hell it's called. It doesn't get any more organic then going hunting and eating your kill. But oh "it's too gamey." Gamey my ass, how the hell does it get any more organic then a wild fucking animal. However, animals in nature are a little too organic for my taste; personally I'd rather eat the store-bought, chemically-fed, steroid-popping meat. I've seen wild animals eat their feces and I'd like to think that this guy sitting on my plate has never eaten feces.

Now as far as produce, you organic freaks are fucking up the economy. Think of all the poor chemists you're screwing over. These guys spent their careers making shit that kills pests and not humans, and now you're taking it away from them. Shame on you.

I think what really gets to me though is not the actual products, but the people who use them. Take Trader Joe's for instance. Now I love their wine, but aside from that, I hate going there. The only feeling I get from shopping there is that if some dude farts, I might get AIDS. "Oh my Lord, I can't believe he just said that." Yeah, I did. There's nothing more obnoxious then some hippy trying to sell you soy products. "Hey maaaaan, if you buy this soy butter you get a 10% discount on your next purchase of Birkenstocks." I'll pass. "Hey maaaan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow." Yeah, well I don't eat anything that doesn't scream. And this "0 grams of Trans Fat," no shit…show me something WITH trans fat, I bet it tastes great.

9. Animal Rights (Regarding Livestock)

4 pigs on a racetrack running
I'd rather eat a REAL prize-winning pig than a lazy fatass prize-winning pig.
Let's first establish that I am referring to the activists against the cruelty to animals whose destiny is to be my dinner; abusing domestic pets or animals in nature is cruel. However…livestock…I mean really? It's going to die. So this pig was kicked, do you really think it matters, considering that in a week it will be a delicious breakfast meat? In the Marines we said, "Pain is weakness leaving the body"; I don't want to think I'm eating some pig that was a pansy. I want some pork that's been through some serious shit. Hell, torture the swine.

"Vear iz zee webel forces?"

"Nooo, noo, I vill not talk!"

"Oh, you vill talk….you vill."


"Ok zhen….you are of no use for me…..kill him."

BAM! Bacon, now how cool is that? These people who refuse to eat meat because of how animals are being treated…it's just craziness. Or you get these ass clowns who argue that pigs are pets. "Awww, it's a cute little piggy." So because it's cute as an infant you won't eat it? That's pretty dumb. People like this I want to have over for dinner and serve BuSeKoNda. It's like Turducken, but this is a bunny stuffed into a seal stuffed into a koala stuffed into a panda. Quadruple delish!

10. Twilight

Where to fucking start? Oh here's a start, how about the fact that the intended target audience uses lunch boxes. This Stephanie Meyer chick pretty much thought, "Ya know what would be cool, if like…like, Dracula was in Romeo and Juliet…..but neither of them died….and there were werewolves, and diamonds." All it took was some good peyote and it all came together. Bram Stoker has got to be livid right about now.

I know it sounds ridiculous to say that a movie based on vampires is far fetched, but damn this Twilight series is so out there. I have an easier time accepting the possibility of Lord of the Rings, or the Berenstain Bears coming to life. Sure, a bunch of Jewish talking bears living in a treehouse is a stretch, but this bullshit, hell no. Team Jacob….look, if you're on team Jacob then you are a certifiable idiot. I have not read this teenie-bopper propaganda but I know how it ends (thank you Wikipedia). Saying you're on team Jacob is like rooting for the Phillies to win the 2009 World Series and hoping it's a possibility ‘cause it's still on your DVR and you have yet to watch it. Sorry to ruin it for you morons, but Jacob, yeah, he gets no Bella booty. That's right, the tree leaper gets the girl.

And while we're talking about old Eddieboy, here is some tool described as "impossibly handsome, to the point of being almost godlike"….so….you picked that douchebag? Look, I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I'll go a day or two without showering if my wife is gone, but I don't pick that as my everyday look. And quit scowling at everything, you're a vampire, not a bridge troll.

Jasper, take a shit already. Bella, talk or exhale deeply, stop trying to do both at the same time. To the townfolk of Forks, are you people fucking stupid? I don't know, but if I had some neighbors that haven't changed since, oh let's say the 1800's….I dunno, I'd kinda be curious.

Now I will admit that some of the cars in the movie are pretty sweet. But, Edward drives a fucking Volvo C30. Ooooh, what a badass. What message are you trying to send Edward? "I'll kick your ass after I drop the kids off at swim practice"? Seriously man, you're supposedly this "tough guy" vampire, and THAT is what you drive? Why not scoot around in a Vespa?

And the whole damn name of this series…every good series of movies usually falls under the same main title, and each book/movie within it has its own sub-title. Take, for instance, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back and Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi; The Indiana Jones trilogy; Harry Potter: And His Fucked Up Broom and Harry Potter: Still Trying to Get in Hermione's Pants. But you moron Twilighters are freaking nuts.

"Hey, did you see the new Twilight movie is out now?"

"Yeah, it's New Moon, seen it five times."

"What's New Moon?"

"It's the second book, after Twilight."

"So…it's the second Twilight."

"No, Twilight was the first book, New Moon is the second."

"Oh, so the first movie was called Twilight and this New Moon is independent of the first?"

"No, the new movie picks up where the first left off."

"So…it's Twilight: New Moon?"

"Like OMG, is it like that hard to figure it out?"

Author's Disclaimer:

To the lovers of themed parties: I actually love themed parties; what a fun way to get creative. Once I went to a "black and white" party….unfortunately, I misinterpreted the theme, but I still had fun going with my wife as OJ and Nicole Brown.

To the Affliction shirt guys: Honestly, I'm just jealous. If I wore one I'd end up looking like a pound of raw ground beef stuffed into a condom.

To you hippies, tree huggers, and animal lovers: No, it's just a joke. Cruelty to animals is wrong regardless of its purpose. But c'mon, don't lie to me. After the first bite, who really cares how it died? You're just glad it did.

To my old man: Quit eating that tofu shit. Seriously asshole, you're making me look bad.