Narwhal Tusk Basic Training
You’re holding in your hands as sophisticated an anti-terrorist device as God in his worshipful workshop has ever devised!
Tag: Police
List: Slogans from the MTA’s Expanded “See Something, Say Something” Campaign
If you SEE something delicious, SAY “that looks yummy!” If you SEE something nutritious, SAY “I think I’ll go back to the yummy thing from earlier.”
I, Zippy the Jetpack Boy, Have Been Hired to Fix Your Subway System!
No one knows more about getting from point A to point B with lethal efficiency than Zippy the Jetpack Boy -- that this is bound to rub off on the job.
Modern Scares You’ll Encounter in a 2019 Haunted House
You flee down hallways. Everywhere, people are being NICE to each other! They jump out from the darkness, only to grab other people in huge hugs!
So You Bought a Time Machine
Unfortunately, the use of our XR line to assist in a murder of anyone is strictly prohibited.
No, Our Restaurant Was Not “Shut Down,” We Are Simply Pivoting
Our organic farm-to-table eatery is now also BYOM (Bring Your Own Meals). That’s right. You bring the food, we bring the vibes.
I’m Sorry I’m Only an Attempted Murderer
Your family has a long legacy of murderers, and you hoped to marry one yourself. You envisioned a picture-perfect life as a convicted murderer’s wife.
I’m Sam Spade, Professional Book Blurber
“It’s been a long time since I burst into tears because a publishing house didn’t get its jacket copy before deadline.”
Mysteries Involving the Rich and Powerful
The doors and windows are all open and the room is empty except for a puddle of water under the body. How can this be?
3 Ways to Die with Dignity While Choking on an Old Band-Aid in a Victoria’s Secret
If you’ve timed it right, you will be dead before you hit the floor. Your death will look like that of a hero defending the store from a shoplifter.
List: Other Things Elizabeth Warren Has a Plan For
Paying for that improv class. Paying for single-payer healthcare. Getting back together with Jeff. Convincing Jeff to come to your improv show.
How “Reservoir Dogs” Helped Me Overcome the Generational Trauma of My Snitch Family
The men and women in my family took to snitching. My grandfather was known as the Irish Elvis because he would sing to the cops about anything.